Staircase Room - The Made-For-TV Sitcom! (Episode One: A Scott & Josh Story)
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 89051
|
Opening theme song (sung to the tune of Full
House): Whatever happened to predictability. Snorbin, the nippleboy, Addventure Game 3?
This Staircase Room’s confusing me. Scott’s as mean as you've
ever seen "Kid, don't sell your dreams so soon!” Everywhere you look, everywhere you sniff(there's a fart)A toilet to hold on to. Everywhere you look,Everywhere you look(there's Scott’s face) Somebody who hates you.Everywhere you look. When you're lost out there and you're all alone.Bill Murray's number is still in your phone. Everywhere you look!Ahhhhhh! Skippity-bop-doo-wop! In the opening scene we find Jasper, Sara Hewitt, One Stan, and Bruce Campbell in the Staircase Room. Teal couches, food supplies, you know the drill. Bruce is about to leave. “If you need me, I’m on the next plane,” says Bruce, looking handsome as always. He gathers up the last of his things - most notably, a lot of expensive luggage and a plastic garbage bag wrapped around what looks like a human corpse (as is evidenced from the blood pooling around it and the feet sticking out one end). The corpse looks about the right size to be that of Jerry Seinfeld.“Aw, thank you, Uncle Bruce,” says Jasper. “Okay,” mutters Bruce in mock politeness.Sara and One Stan jump to their feet and embrace Bruce in an enormous bear hug. “Bye, Uncle Bruce!” they say in unison. Jasper rolls his eyes. “Just leave already!”“Oh, my angels!” Bruce gushes emotionally, referring to One Stan and Sara. “Grandma, don’t leave!” pleads One Stan. Bruce chuckles uneasily. “Well, first of all; I’m not your uncle or your grandma, thank God. But I love you, all the same. Goodbye, sweetheart.” He ruffles One Stan’s hair.One Stan blushes. “Goodbye, grandma.” “Bye. Bye. I’m not your grandma.”And all in unison: “Bye!” Bruce rips himself free from their over zealous embrace and then trips down the inaccessible staircase, never to be seen or heard from again. His screams eventually dwindle into silence.Jasper lugs the luggage (and human corpse) to the staircase and tosses them down after him. He turns to the other two, wiping his hands. “Good riddance! Okay! Are we going to have fun or what?” Sara and One Stan frown.“Hey, hey, hey! Let’s see some smiles. Everything is going to work out super great. Your uncle Scott is moving in; my best friend Josh Burbank is moving in, and you know what that means... That means that you two are going to get to be roommates. Isn’t that exciting?” “I can wear all Sara’s clothes!” says One Stan excitedly.Sara’s frown deepens. “Do I have to share my room with him?” Jasper nods. “Honey, it’s going to be just like having a slumber party.”“Yeah, with only one guest... who never leaves and tries to have sex with me!” Right about then, Scott enters. <insert audience applause>“Hey, losers! Look alive! Uncle Scott’s here!” One Stan and Sara jump up and down excitedly. “Uncle Scott!”Scott rolls his eyes. “Uncle Scott!” he says, imitating them. “You guys are annoying as ever, huh? All right! Hello! Sara, how you doin’? Lookin’ hot. Too bad you aren’t eighteen. That tooth come in yet?” Sara shrugs, “Nah.”“That’s okay; one less to brush. God, if only you were eighteen. The things I’d do to you…” “Hey, Scott!” Jasper butts in, feeling left out.A dark look comes over Scott, but it passes just as quickly as it came. “Jasper! Great to see you,” he lies. “You missed breakfast; where the Hell have you been?”Scott shrugs and lights up a cigarette. “I know; sorry. Last night, after my gig at the smash club, I go for a cruise on my Harley, right? Nest thing I know, I’m in Reno. It was dark - who would have known? Then, I happened to wander into this show, Razzle Dazzle ’97 - much better than Razzle Dazzle ’96, by the way. And I see this incredible showgirl Miranda, right? Amazing tits, ass like a goddess. Our eyes meet.” He turns to Sara and One Stan, concerned they might be hearing. “Ba-boom,” he blusters on. “This lightning bolt of passion shoots across the casino, mixed with a couple roofies I put in her drink. Turns out, Miranda is on her way to the Philippines to do a Bob Hope special, and is dying for one last night of good old American….” “Food, food! She was hungry, right?” Jasper cuts him off.“Oh yeah. She was starving. Only we never got a chance to, uh, "eat," because those roofies kicked in a little sooner than expected. Meh. I had my way with her, snorted some coke off her ass, and left her a twenty dollar bill for her troubles.” One Stan walks up to Scott and pulls on his shirt. “Uncle Scott, let’s play Ballerina.”Jasper shakes his head. “Uncle Scott doesn’t want to play ballerina.” “Yes he does…”Scott pushes One Stan away and takes another drag on his cigarette. “No he doesn’t…” One Stan keeps at it. “Yes he does…”Scott’s face reddens. “No he doesn’t!” One Stan pretends he’s crying. “Yes he does,” he pouts.“How do you friggin’ play ballerina, anyway?” One Stan stands on his tippy toes and twirls about gracefully. “Dance!”Scott indulges him, and twils about once. “Okay, that was fun.” Josh enters carrying a pile of dirty laundry, and makes a noise, imitating a trumpet.Sara smiles and waves. “Hi, Josh!” Josh licks his lips seductively and drops the pile of laundry. He makes a suggestive thrust with his hips. “Hi…Sara Hewitt.” Jasper turns to Josh, placing a hand on his shoulder which Josh quickly brushes off. Jasper shrugs and gathers up the pile of laundry. “Oh, Josh, buddy. This is the best, I mean - perfect timing; you’re moving in!”“Thanks, Jasper. This does work out so perfect. I mean, I move into a place with a washing machine on the exact day I run out of clean clothes. I’m a dirty boy!” Jasper cringes and drops the pile of laundry. <insert audience laughter> ‘What’s that!?” asks Josh asks, casting worried glances about.Jasper arches an eyebrow. “What’s what?” “That laughing?”“What laughter?” <insert audience laughter>“Oh, God, I’m going crazy!” cries Josh. <more audience laughter>Josh shakes his head and turns to Scott. “Long time no see. Now be honest. Did you ever think we’d end up being roommates?” Scott shakes his head. “Not once.”Josh laughs and rubs his nipples, causing everyone in the room to cringe. “I love this guy. I mean hate. I hate him. It’s a love/hate thing. More like indifference. Anyway, Jasper, there’s no way all my stuff will fit into a tiny room like this…” Jasper just shakes his head. “You don’t own anything, Josh. And this is not a tiny room. This is a large Chaos Nexus. In fact, this is a large Chaos Nexus that you’re living in for FREE.”“You know, now that I take a closer look at it, it’s enormous... ‘normous... ‘normous…” He turns back to Sara and One Stan, and continues rubbing his nipples. “We are gonna have so much fun, aren’t we, kids?” He imitates Popeyes laugh….badly. Sara backs away slowly. “Do you think we could catch Bruce at the airport?”Jasper gives Sara a good natured nudge. “Bruce is dead, sweetie. Bruce is dead.”
|
Ib
1/25/2010 10:34:47 PM
Linking Enabled
Extending Enabled
24941728 episodes viewed since 9/30/2002 1:22:06 PM.