Staircase Room, Part Two of Episode One
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 89053
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Next scene, Jasper and Scott are admiring Scott’s new room… “Nice, huh?” says Jasper, nudging Scott. “Roomy.” Scott looks at the pink bunnies on the wall. “Oh golly, it’s swell. You know what would look great over here by the window? Barbie’s @#&%ing dream house.”Jasper blushes. “We’ve got one. Look, Scott, I just want you to know that having you and Josh here really means a lot to me. Just knowing somebody’s here who cares about the kids, Sara and One Stan. You know, they’re so happy you’re here. God bless you!” And at that he hugs Scott. Scott doesn’t return the affection. “You’re hugging me in a room with pink bunnies.”Jasper blushes even more. “Oh, sorry. I’m an emotional guy. Okay, let’s face it. I’m a lean, mean, hugging machine.” “You’re a mutt-turned human. Okay. Jasper, listen; Horsehockey and Addventure and Sir-Toby.com mean a lot to me, and I love your cousin and One Stan and I’m happy to do what I can…”Jasper hugs him again. “Aah, you’re hugging me again. Now listen; you and me, we’ll sit down; we’ll set aside a special time for hugging. And whatever other homo-erotic sh*t you wanna subject me to. But not now. And why are Sara and One Stan so young in this thread? And why are letting that freak Josh move in? Doesn’t make any sense.” He opens the closet, and sees that the closet rack is too low. “Oh great, I live in Bilbo Baggin’s room!”Sara and One Stan, meanwhile, are in ‘their’ new room… “Rule number one,” says Sara to One Stan. “Never touch my stuff. Especially my underwear. You should be taking notes. Rule number two : never set foot in my half of the room.”One Stan looks more and more nervous. “How do I get out of here, being the door is on your half?” “Easy. You jump off the window and climb down the tree.”“I don’t think so.” Sara shrugs. “Suit yourself.”“I’ll find a way out…” says One Stan with determination. He then climbs up into the window sill. On cue, Jasper and Scott enter the room.Sara stares at One Stan, dumbfounded. “Stan, what are you doing?” “Just hanging around.”Jasper looks concerned. “Come on, Stan, get down from there.” Josh enters the room, wedging himself between Scott and Jasper as he swishes a martini glass around, seemingly mesmerized by the twirling olive within. He sees the yellow tape Sara has strung across the room. “All right! Limbo. Dika-laka-puka... dika-laka- puka... dika-laka-puka... I think I’m gonna puke. Oh, God. I knew I started drinking too early…Oops. I made a poopies. I MADE A POOPIES! YAY!” Sara shakes her head. “This is a nightmare.”Jasper rushes to her side. “Uh, Sara, honey, I told you everything is gonna work out super great. I’m sorry. I’ve got to go… change Josh.” Cut to Scott, Jasper, and Josh in the kitchen. Josh is crying, sprawled out on the floor.Jasper shakes his head. “Oh, little Joshy Woshy, little baby waby. Errr, full grown man. What’s the matter, Josh? Uncle Scott, what are we gonna do? Do we breast feed it?” Scott shakes his head. “First, we stop talking like a munchkin.” Josh continues to cry. “Hey, shut up!”Jasper brushes Scott aside. “Wait, I’ll handle this. I was a non-toilet user myself, for awhile; it was my non-paying job to be a ball licker and indoor sh*tter. Watch this. Uh, Josh, it’s me: Jasper. Now, uh, you don’t want to cry, do ya? It’s just a little pee-pee.” Josh continues crying. Jasper cringes. “And from the smell of it, poo-poo. What do we do, Scott?” Scott smacks Jasper upside the head. “You check it out. Go.” Jasper peeks under Josh‘s pants. “We have a winner. It’s poopies. Now what?”“Put yourself in his place. What would you want done?” “I’ve never changed a diaper. Much less a grown man‘s soiled undies.”“Me neither,” Scott concedes. “All right, look out; I’ll show you how it’s done. Come here Josh. Stop crying, dammit. You believe this guy? He wets his own pants on the daily but he can’t change his own underwear. All right, Jasper, make yourself useful.” “I’ll take the south end.”Scott lights up another cigarette. “Good.” They hoist Josh onto the kitchen counter.Sara enters the kitchen. “Sup? What‘s for dinner?” Scott glares at her. “Sara, can’t you see Jasper and I are busy? We’re changing Josh. Jasper, strip him. All right, careful there. You’re in control. All right, slide it off and... ugh!”Jasper hesitates. “Uh... uh…” He puts the underwear in a plastic bowl and seals the lid. Scott rolls his eyes “Good thinking, Jasper, keep it fresh.”Jasper ignores the smartass remark. “Okay, hold him up; I’ll clean him off.” “Good idea. Best idea you’ve had all day. Come on, Josh, help us out here. Lift those spindly legs of yours.”Jasper grabs an extendable hose that hooks into the sink and tries to clean Josh off with it. “You’re missing!” Scott scolds him. “You’re missing! You’re missing! All right now, come on, gently now, gently now, gently... There we go. This is great; we should be mothers.”“Oh, yeah,” Jasper sighs, exhausted. Scott extinguishes a cigarette on the counter. “All right, let’s dry him up.”“Okay. Fan him. Fan his fanny. Fan his fanny.” Scott shakes his head, and looks thoughtful for a moment. “You know this asshole has it made? I would kill for this kind of service. In fact, I just might…”Jasper shrugs. “All right, diapers. Adult diapers is what he needs. It’s the Staircase Room Kitchen. There has to be some Adult Diapers around here.” Scott looks through the cupboards. “Diapers... diapers” Jasper looks high and low. “Where are the diapers?”“Diapers…” “Diapers…”“Diapers, diapers…” Scott stops his search, and spots a roll of paper towels. “Hey, super absorbent.”Jasper shrugs. “Bring it over. Okay, now what?” “Okay, spin him.”“Spin him.” “Spin him.”“Spin him. All right, now,” says Scott, “wrap him up in this, come on. Put him right in here. It’s too easy.” Jasper shrugs again. “Works for me.” Sara walks over with a nonchalant whistle. “Not bad, boys. but next time try these.”Scott lets out a heavy sigh. “The things I would do to you if you were of age…”
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1/26/2010 12:26:23 AM
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