Yearning for a New Beginning
The Black Void - Episode 3615
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Once again, my dubious past has caught up with me. I'm starting to fear I
will never be free of it. I'm full of anger at this world, and what it's
done to me. I'm most angry at myself, though. I lost something of myself,
after my arrival at the brothel. I've only now begun to come to grips
with it. I should have fought harder to escape that situation, even if it
might have gotten me beaten or worse. At some point, my will was broken
and I accepted the loss of control over my body and life. At least I
still had enough self-regard to escape when the opportunity arose, though
that was more for the sake of my then-unborn children than myself.
What came next was worst of all. It was a noble thing, surrendering myself again to free my friends - at least that's what I keep telling myself. Having spent six months at the brothel had already mostly broken me. I just took the next step, completing my fall into darkness. I've been in this world for about 16 months, and have spent over 12 of those as a slave. Which brings me to my current dilemma. My friends in this world - I don't know if I can face them anymore, with the knowledge of what I've done. I'm sure they'd all be very supportive, but if I come back into their lives now, I'll never be free of what happened. They, at least, will always know and remember. Even if they don't judge me harshly, the humiliation and shame will always be there. I've also been rethinking what role I could possibly have in my children's lives - Certainly not as a parent, since they already have Don and Sara. I could pose as another relative, or family friend, but my presence would eventually become a stumbling block - not least because of Sara's father. Ironically, for what I've decided to do, it would have been best to take the Marquess' offer, though it's a small comfort that I had at least some pride left in turning him down. I must leave Laralia, traveling far from here, and establish a new identity and new life for myself in another place. Only then can I be truly free of my past, and maybe find some peace of mind in the process.
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Xavier
7/2/2007 8:40:02 PM
Extending Enabled
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