Little Harmonic Cave-Wandering
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 9468
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Then…it seemed that Fred, Astra, and Velus were forever doomed to search
far and wide for a Never Ending Quest episode with no spelling or
grammatical errors.
However, one day, Fred managed to run into someone else in the forest. This man (for Fred assumed him to be a man) wore a bulky suit of armor with no distinguishable coat of arms. On his head was a large helmet with the visor pulled down so that Fred could not see inside. "I…I suppose you’re not an author, Sir Knight?" Fred asked. "Sometimes one supposes incorrectly, Lord Fred. I am an author, though I’m rather new, and I write sporadically. I’m more likely to be dawdling from Point A to Point B than stopping along the way to write an episode. In fact, I’m not entirely sure that some of the major authors here even know I exist. I prefer to be known as the unknown adventurer, hence the lack of a coat of arms, or even contact information. For now, at least, I am perfectly content wandering around the Never Ending Quest, crossing between storylines and writing an episode if it strikes my fancy to do so. One day, I might decide to call myself something else, and provide an e-mail address so that other authors can contact me. What gives me the pleasure of meeting you here?" "Every day, for several years now, Velus, Astra, and I have roamed this forest searching for a Never Ending Quest episode without any spelling or grammatical errors, since the knights who say 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND' will not let us leave it until we find one. We tried crossing storylines at one time, but we couldn’t escape the boundaries of the forest. Eventually, Velus and I got over our mutual distrust of each other, and we tried splitting up and searching for authors so that we could get them to create one for us. It’s a good thing I found you, or else we might not ever get out of here." "Perfect! I’m quite anal about writing episodes without a single spelling or grammatical error, so perhaps this time, I can finally show off! Lord Fred, what would you like me to write for you? Perhaps a dialogue will do?" "I haven’t heard of too many of those types being written here, so I think the knights who say 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND' will quite like that." So it came to pass that Fred, Astra, and Velus knelt before the leader of the knights who say 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND', and presented him with Episode 9468, written by the unknown adventurer. "O Great Majesty," said Fred, "we humbly give you this dialogue, written by the unknown adventurer, in which not a single spelling or grammatical error can be found. Perhaps you would like us to read it, in which I can take the part of Fred, Astra can take the part of Astra, and Velus can take the part of Velus. In addition, the unknown adventurer told me that there would be a special cameo appearance by the knights who say 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND', and if you and the rest of the knights would be so kind as to read their lines when they come up, I think we will all enjoy this little episode very much." Seeing the leader oblige, Fred unrolled the unknown adventurer’s scroll. ..... (they begin reading) ..... (Fred, Astra, and Velus are lost in a corridor in the Dragon’s Caves) ..... Fred: Darn it! We’re lost again! I don’t know how we’re going to get out of these caves, especially with this no-good map! ..... Astra: Every time you say that from now on, I’m going to slap you in the face. I’m tired of hearing about how we’re lost. A great teacher of mine once said that when we suppose we are lost, it is only because we know with greater certainty where we are going. ..... Fred: What kind of teacher would say that? It should be obvious that when you’re lost, you don’t know where you are or where you are going! I’m sorry, but it seems that we Allarians are much more advanced in our thinking. ..... Astra (sarcastically, at first, then sincere): Right. Sir JH was so different from you. With him, it was never about what country had more intelligent inhabitants, or what direction north was, or whether the whales off the coast of Hespan had blowholes or not. In the five or so minutes I’ve known you, you’ve tried to correct my sense of geography, and you’ve insulted one of the greatest minds in all of Aqualaria. What’s this? ..... (during Astra’s rant, she had come across a book that Fred had obviously not bothered to notice) ..... Velus: It appears to be a tome of some sort. It even has a title: Adventures of Fred, Velus, and Astra, in the Dragon’s Caves. It sounds interesting. Perhaps we should read it. ..... Astra: That sounds like a good idea. It appears to be written in dialogue form, so I’ll take the part of Astra, and assuming you two can read, Velus can take the part of Velus and Fred can take the part of Fred. .......... (they begin reading) .......... (Fred, Astra, and Velus are in a forest outside the Dragon’s Caves) .......... Fred: That’s very strange. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a tale like that before. Are you sure you don’t work for the dragon? .......... Astra: Even if I worked for the dragon, it would only be because the dragon is at odds with the evil Witch of the White House. I need to defeat the evil Witch of the White House to rescue my beloved Sir JH, and then, I need the blood of a warrior so that he can escape from his present form of a lame duck. I realized when I started this quest that if I defeated the dragon, then I would know I had the necessary skill to defeat the Witch of the White House, and if I failed, he would surely turn me into one of his minions, who would be fighting to break the stalemate against the Witch of the White House in his favor. ......... Velus: Nonsense. Your entire story is complete and utter nonsense. You just wanted to kill the dragon because it would bring you great fame from all across the lands. Your ego trips last even longer than Fred’s, and that’s saying quite a lot. .......... Fred: But if she’s not telling the truth, then what is the truth? All I know is that the king dragged me into this dragon-slaying business, and then I met Velus, who was still a dog at that point. After I found Astra chained to the wall, she directed me to the Wizard of Kamiro, who did some hocus-pocus stuff that allowed Velus to regain his human form and Astra to escape from her chains. After that, my memory is pretty fuzzy. (Fred stops as a booming voice says, 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND') What was that? Can those be the knights who say 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND'? .......... Knights (who have suddenly come out from behind various trees): You are correct, Lord Fred. We are indeed the knights who say 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND'. Furthermore, we shall continue to say 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND' until you bring us...(they converse among themselves)...a Never Ending Quest episode with no spelling or grammatical errors! .......... (They maniacally dance around, chanting 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND'.) .......... Fred: Do you care where we find such an episode? For instance, is it within the rules if we were to magically enter another storyline, steal the text of an episode, and bring it back to you? .......... Knights: We don’t particularly care. We’re just sick and tired of seeing all of these beautiful episodes tarnished because their authors don’t proofread them before they submit them. .......... Astra: I think I know how to find one such episode! It is rumored that deep down, all of these episodes, except for the first one, are connected by the simple string of seemingly nonsense symbols http:// www.sir-toby.com/ extend-a-story/ story-1/ code/read.php? episode=, and all we need to do to jump between episodes is to enter a number after the equals sign that corresponds to an already written episode, fix all of that episode's spelling and grammar mistakes, and drag the finished product back to these knights. .......... Velus: Go on, then, warrior princess! Lead your fearless male companions to an episode so spotless that even the knights who say 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND' cannot find cause to complain! .......... (Astra turns around, to search for the string of nonsense symbols. Fred and Velus follow, having conditioned themselves to follow her shapely rear end wherever it leads.) .......... Knights: Have a nice day, suckers! .......... (They maniacally dance around, chanting 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND'.) ..... Astra: That’s strange. The book just ends there. We’ll never get to find out whether Fred, Astra, and Velus managed to locate the string of nonsense symbols, manipulate it, fix the episode, and show it to the knights who say 'HTTP ERROR 404: FILE NOT FOUND'! ..... Fred: Well, I, for one, don’t care. We’ve been stuck in the same corridor for hours now, and it seems that you’re more interested in wasting time reading a stupid book about some people named Fred, Velus, and Astra than trying to find a way out of here. (As he storms off, he hears an ominous laughing sound emanating from ahead in the corridor. Cowardly, he runs back to his companions.) What was that? ..... Velus: You mean you haven’t heard of the laughing dragon? Well, it doesn’t matter if you have or not, or if Astra has or not, because the story of the laughing dragon is one of my favorite stories with which to scare small children, and we could all use a good scare right now. It is said that once upon a time there was a small dragon, who led a normal dragon life. However, instead of hoarding gold, it decided to gather happiness instead. Happiness gravitated to him, and eventually he had collected so much happiness that the areas around him, the caves we are now in, had lost all of their happiness to him. Too late, the dragon realized that happiness became meaningful only when shared with other things. For the first time in his life, he experienced regret and sadness, and he decided that he didn’t like the feeling. Now, he goes around the caves, trapping travelers and chaining them to the wall so that he can forcibly share his happiness with them. It’s said to be one of the most torturous affairs known to exist, and I fear that would have been Astra’s fate had we not rescued her. When you hear his laugh, your only hope is to run, because that laugh means that he has decided that he is hungry, and is looking for some food so that he can sustain his happiness. ..... (The laugh begins to grow louder. Fred whimpers a little bit, but eventually asserts control of his emotions.) ..... Fred: Never! I am not a coward! Well, perhaps I cower at the sound of his evil laugh, but I’m not a coward! I shall stay and fight until either I slay the dragon or the dragon himself is slain. ..... (At that point, a huge mouth engulfs Fred, and for good measure, Velus and Astra as well. All three are sent hurtling down the dragon’s humongous esophagus.) ..... Fred, Velus, and Astra (simultaneously): Now what? "Evidently, that is the end of the unknown adventurer’s episode," Fred said as he rolled up the excessively long scroll. "It appears that there might be more of the adventures of Fred, Velus, and Astra in the dragon’s esophagus in another episode, but we’ve given you our episode free of spelling and grammatical errors, and we are off to free Sir JH from the Witch of the White House."
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the unknown adventurer, giving credit to Douglas Hofstadter's "Little Harmonic Labyrinth," which inspired the title and structure of this episode, and noting that the periods before dialogue lines are meant to be indentations
4/7/2004 2:09:31 AM
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