Gorilla, You're a Desperado

"That movie", Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II, was the one that prompted a young Sara, Jasper, Josh, and Scott, all fourteen or fifteen at the time, to make a pact to kill Vanilla Ice for his role in helping subject the world to that awful film. All four kids lived in the same town, and were complete strangers to one another (Josh and Scott went to the same high school, and Josh knew of Scott, but they never spoke until they finally met face to face in the first version of Horsehockey), but the sheer awfulness of the film brought them together to make their decision...before going their separate ways for several years.

Regardless, Sara and Jasper had a job to do, and they both deeply regretted that neither Scott or Josh were around to join them. Wow, they were going to be so pissed off.

Vanilla Ice ran into a clearing in the middle of the forest. The bright moonlight shone down as he collapsed in exhaustion in the middle. Lying in the cool grass and trying very hard to catch his breath, Vanilla Ice couldn't avoid the site of Sara and Jasper emerging from the woods, ready to dismember the one-hit wonder with their bare hands.

However, the pact made outside of a suburban movie theater with over thirty screens a long time ago would ultimately go unfulfilled. Another group had secretly been hunting Vanilla Ice for several months. Unlike Sara and Jasper, their rage and hatred was genuine, and with the exception of their leader, Eminem, all of them had absolutely nothing to lose now. Slim Shady had recruited a large number of midwestern Juggalos, the rabid fans of Insane Clown Posse. All of them, mostly males, were the ugliest kinds of trailer park trash imaginable. Half of them were overweight. Most were stoned on pot, or whatever substances they could find in their homes. All of them came across as the dumbest people alive. But, their mission is clear...

"Juggalo Homies, attack that fucker!" Eminem screams, pointing at the prone Vanilla Ice. As they dogpile him, Sara and Jasper make a break for it, making it back to the two-lane road in record time. They never saw the unforgetable sight of the Juggalos literally tearing Vanilla Ice limb from limb.

1. Frightened out of their minds, Sara and Jasper flag down the first car that passes.
2. Those Juggalos hunt Sara and Jasper next.
3. The Juggalos suddenly turn on Eminem next.
4. Suddenly, the clearing goes up in a massive explosion!

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