World War Z

While the human race managed to survive the first great zombie onslaught of the 1st century A.D., history was changed forever. While the zombies would eventually deteriorate into what could best be described as "drunken behavior," which generally led to them offing themselves and each other in a wide variety of accidents (not the least of which was the search for a drug-induced buzz from the tissues at the heart of other zombies), there was always a curve--and during that phase, thousands or millions would die and transform.

several more huge outbreaks in the next dozen centuries led to the adoption of cremation after ritual skull-removal as the standard method of disposal of bodies by most major religions (the skulls made a nifty urn for the ashes, and as an added bonus, they made good lamps as well--even after passing into the great hereafter, Granny Furter could still provide a light for her children). Due to zombie plagues, the history of Europe was markedly different--the Dark Ages now stretched from the early 200's to nearly the mid 1700's, when the people of Europe had more or less collectively realized that they hadn't really done anything but shoot zombies and squabble over the pronouncements of various men in goofy hats for the past two millenia, and that it was high-time to get a move on and, to the rest of the planet's lasting regret, try to accomplish something reasonably useful. While they were still debating over whether or not finding more places that were large enough to hold a flag were "useful," they HAD finally managed to spread; the New World beckoned, though Australia hadn't been quite so successful, owing in part to the fact, with the exception of a few of the trees and a couple of kinds of sheep, the wildlife there was universally spiny, unpleasant, lethal or was capable of killing you with sneeze or a vague glance in one's general direction.

The New World hadn't been settled until the late 18th century, by France in the new timeline, after a prolonged war with Scotland (the forces of which were narrowly defeated at the Battle of Chelm after an incident charitably described as "a foaming case of mass haggis poisoning" by historians, the details mercifully, and intentionally, forgotten by most except the Germans, who delighted in telling them over and over again in certain fringe publications sold "under the counter" in some less reputable shops across the continent).

An entrepreneur and inventor named Bill Gates had demonstrated a device he called an "interwire" some twenty five years or so before, capable of sending information across vast distances by a code of dots and dashes he had written (and charged quite handsomely for--another man named Steven Jobs was reputed to be working on a version that reputedly worked better, but wouldn't send across 95% of the wire ever made by man). Interwire Lines were just now being laid between the provinces and settlements along Eastern North America, along the train tracks which weren't very old themselves, and for the first time, rumors of which celebrity was schtupping who, and which Swiss peasant girl had had a half-yeti baby could travel faster than the wags who had made the stories up out of whole cloth in the first place. And by 2008, indoor plumbing was only just now being seen in the homes of the extremely wealthy and well-to-do in some places--most people made do with outhouses, or pots emptied right into the street (though a handful of cranks claimed that this actually led to disease--everyone with an ounce of sense in their heads knew diseases were spread by bad smells and evil spirits, which you drove away by hitting rocks with a hammer--disease-warding rocks and hammers were available in most better shops worldwide, along with the frog unguent).

In the middle of this is Josh Burbank, living in a small village near New Paris, and working as a silversmith--not a very successful one, either, since the accident that left his right hand a paralyzed lump (as opposed to the normal moveable lump which it customarily resembled). Add into it a personality as erratic as a drunken bat, face that looked as if it was on loan from a gargoyle and a body to match, and a sense of hygiene that was considered highly questionable by people who lived in mud huts and entertained themselves by training their fleas to do tricks, then stir lightly with a healthy dose of alcoholism, the business ethics of gambling addict with OCD and a sense of personal organization on a par with a colony of cherrystone clams, and it's little wonder his neighbors were taking bets on the date of his self-appointed rendezous with a noose.

1. Josh's latest product is a stone that keeps tigers away. Let's see him pitch it now!
2. A pitchfork-bearing mob descends on his house over the dildo-pepper mill combos he attempted to market last week.
3. One day a cow crashes through the roof. It's carrying a bag of magic beans around its neck.
4. Josh decides to try his fortunes in Australia, where he moves in with 5000 angry funnelweb spiders.
5. Something else.
6. Josh finds a time machine in that outhouse over there.

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