Countdown to Infinite Breakdancing

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 58914

Note: This episode makes no sense at all if you haven't been following the last year or so of DC Comics. Actually, scratch that. This episode doesn't make any sense at all. The closest thing to an explanation of the DC storlyine that this is involved with that makes some amount of sense is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Infinite_Crisis and http://www.sequart.com/ columns/ index.php? col=10&column=484 This episode is set shortly after Countdown to Infinite Crisis. Somewhere beyond time and space...

"Are we there yet?" said Superboy of Earth-Prime.

"No, we are not there yet," said the Earth-2 Superman, still pounding away at the timestream with his fists. Which makes no sense at all, but this is a comic book universe, and I didn't write that plotline. "Give me some time. This world is slowly being destroyed by its own evil. In my time, heroes were heroes and villains were villains, but now, the heroes are slowly becoming cynical and violent. Soon we'll be able to escape and save this world from itself. Soon we'll show this world what real heroes are again. Soon."

"Blah blah blah," said Superboy Prime. "Stop whining, you old fart. I don't want to save this world from itself or anything like that. I just want some Fresca."

Meanwhile, Alex Luthor of Earth-3 was wringing his hands woefully. "How much longer must we remain here, prisoners in limbo, unable to save even the remnants of our own dead worlds?" he said. "Once, there was only one world. But Krona, proudest and most brilliant of the Guardians of the Universe, sought to peer back in time and discern the origins of the universe, disregarding its dangers. And so he created antimatter. And where there was once one world, there were now many. There was Earth-1, the home of the Justice League, and Earth-2, the home of the Justice Society, where the heroes first emerged during World War II, and Earth-3, the Antimatter World, where the heroes of Earth-1 are villains and the villains of Earth-1 are heroes.

"But those worlds were destroyed by the Anti-Monitor, a force of unstoppable evil formed by Krona's mistakes. The heroes defeated him, but at great cost--of the infinite worlds of the multiverse, only Earth-1 survived, though a few heroes from other worlds were merged into the history of Earth-1. The Superman and Lois Lane of Earth-2, the Superboy of Earth-Prime, a world with no heroes, and myself, the son of the Lex Luthor of Earth-3, managed to survive in this dismal limbo. Some of the greatest of the heroes died. And afterwards, the world became corrupted. The heroes became darker and more cynical--"

"Who the fuck are you talking to?" said Superboy-Prime.

"He's just expositing," said Earth-2 Superman. "He's bored after having spent all this time in Limbo, so he's got to talk to someone."

"Ahem," said Luthor. "The heroes became darker and more cynical, and the villains became more brutal. The lowest ebb was reached when Sue Dibney, wife of longtime Justice League member Elongated Man, was killed by Jean Loring, ex-wife of The Atom. In the investigation of her death, it was revealed that she was raped by the Justice League's enemy, Dr. Light, and the Justice League agreed to have the sorceress Zatanna of wipe his mind so that he would do no more evil. But she accidentally lobotomized him. When Batman found this out, the other members of the Justice League mindwiped him. A large number of other villains were mind- controlled into reforming as well. Now, Dr. Light has regained his memory and the secret has come out. Earth's villains have joined together as the Society to prevent another attack like that on Doctor Light. When Batman found out about what had been done to him, he constructed the sattelite Brother Eye, his ultimate weapon, in order to protect himself, but it has now been hijacked by Maxwell Lord, a former ally of the Justice League's, who killed the Blue Beetle, who had once been a friend of his, after a fashion. A mysterious disturbance in the Thanagar system has caused the worlds of Thanagar and Rann to go to war, disrupting the balance of galactic politics. And Jean Loring has gone completely mad and merged with the cosmic force of evil Eclipso, and seduced the Spectre, agent of God's wrath, into aiding her, threatening the existance of magic. The world is on the verge of a crisis. Of course, I'm really evil and insane, and half the problems that the universe currently has were caused by me, so I can take over the world! Mwahahahahahahaha!"

"Wait, what did you just say?" said Earth-2 Superman.

"Oh. Uh, nothing."

"Well, if you say so--wait, what's that?" In the distance, just outside the edge of the universe he knew, the three imprisoned heroes thought they saw a flash of darkness. They saw another madman seeking to reshape the world in his own image grinning triumphantly in the depths of a cave, as he silently counted down...

The three temporal exiles were knocked over. "What the Hell was that?" said Superboy Prime. Alexander Luthor didn't answer, because he was gaping in shock. Several of the most important pieces on his chessboard had vanished. But he forgot about them immediately, because at that moment the timestream reset and they had never been there. And because he was more worried about what had just appeared...


J'Onn J'Onnz, the Martian Manhunter, sat in his chair on JLA monitor duty, devouring a package of Oreos. It has been a rather slow day, which was a good thing, considering the way his whole world seemed to be coming apart around him. He had been a part of the Justice League of America almost continuously from the very beginning. He'd been pretty much the only one who'd stayed through all the upheavals and membership changes that had happened. Now he'd found out that the League which he'd defined so much of his life around had been built on a house of lies. And now he'd found out that Ted Kord, the Blue Beetle had died. Every member of the Justice League was, in a sense, a part of his family. The version of the Justice League that they'd been together in hadn't necessarily been the most competent one he'd ever been a part of, or the most sane. In fact, most of the time he'd been a part of it, he would have been tearing his hair out if he'd had any. But, still, he couldn't help but feel a little bit of nostalgia for it. That version of the Justice League had been very, well, very human. Walking with gods, as he did now, certainly had its appeal, but the earlier League had reminded him of the vitality, oddness, and inexplicable fascination that the human race he lived among now held for him. He still protected them, but in the days of Maxwell Lord's Justice League he'd felt like he'd been much more of a part of it. And that Justice League had known better than to take itself too seriously. Which, now that the Justice League was so absorbed in personal squabbles, made the Blue Beetle's death sting that much more. He was also deeply perplexed by his own recent actions. Why had he brushed off the Blue Beetle so lightly? Ted Kord had sometimes seemed like an incompetent goofball, but in his heart he was far more intelligent than he, or others, had realized. Surely J'onn should have realized he was on to something. It just didn't make any sense. In fact, nothing that had happened in the last few months made any sense at all. It seemed like some kind of lame comic book...

The shrill sound of an alarm cut through J'onn's reverie. Something had just appeared in front of the Watchtower. He gaped incredulously as he saw a gigantic stick figure appear out of nowhere and stick out its tongue. "I'm bored," he said. "When's the Justice League going to show up so I can kill them?"

"Great H'ronmeer!" said J'onn. He knew what this being actually was. It was spoken of with hushed fear in the most ancient of Martian legends. This could only be Happyman, the Destroyer of Worlds. He sent out a telepathic warning to all the other members of the Justice League immediately.

"Stop staring, man," said Happyman. "I've got a challenge for the Justice League. Tell them before I forget what I'm doing and destroy the moon with the power of my farts. Hey, that sounds fun..."

The other active members of the Justice League--Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern (John Stewart), and the Flash--materialized in the Watchtower. From the expression on Superman's face, he knew who Happyman was as well. "Yo, losers!" said Happyman. "You may be the world's greatest heroes and all that, but I'm the world's greatest breakdancer! Either you face me man to man in the greatest breakdancing fight the world has ever known, or I eat your planet! Are you hip to my jive?"

"What's that thing," said the Flash.

"It's Happyman," said Superman, "one of the most unstoppable forces of evil in all the multiverse. A being of pure chaos and hate with nearly infinite power. It also happens to be very stupid."

"Good," said Batman. Maybe we can turn it to our advantage. Assuming it doesn't just kill us immediately."

"Always the positive thinker," teased Wonder Woman. J'onn noticed that some of the tension which was hanging over the League in the past month was gone now. They were in their element now. "So what is this thing that mortals call 'break dancing?' It is beyond my ken."

"I don't know," said Batman. "It's not some kind of martial arts technique, is it?"

"I've sort of heard of it," said Superman, "Someone would have to break dance to distract it while we carry out some plan to stop it, but it can't be me. I grew up in Kansas. I don't know a bling bling from a jive turkey."

"I probably could, if pressed," said J'onn. "I've encountered it in several of the secret identities I maintain. I've found it's good to pick up as many human cultural references as possible even if they seem useless. Now does anyone have any idea about how to stop him?"

  1. The rest of the Justice League was so preocupied that they didn't notice that Storm Shadow had appeared in their trophy room...
  2. John "Green Lantern" Stewart spoke up...

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Knight Random (now it's my turn to drop crossovers that no one else will get...And yes, I'm aware of how stupid most of the storyline this is involved with is. Mostly I just referenced it so that I could involve certain characters in another thread.)

5/24/2006 5:20:22 PM

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