A Christmas Story

You pop a spearmint Life Saver candy into your mouth to mask the nasty scent from the comics store. They definitely do things differently here. Instead of the sixteen or so pages of a normal comic, the issues vary. Some have only a few panels, while some may go on for three or four pages. On the other hand, the cost is also scaled back, so it is not like they are ripping you off. You end up buying around a dozen issues, 111800, 111811, and a bunch of others, and have plenty of change to spare. You leave the store as quickly as you can, and go back out into the abandoned mall.

You put forty cents into a cola machine, and get a twelve ounce can of cola. It has the old style ring and detachable tab design, which leaves you with a little piece of metal that you drop on the ground. It is amazing that the electricity still works, and that the can is cold. The place is not totally abandoned, obviously, but it is in a remarkable state. There is just enough maintenance to keep it functioning, in a way, but not enough where anyone would normally choose to shop here. You enter an abandoned Montgomery Ward store, and curl up on a leather sofa, in front of an old style cathode ray tube television. It is like a time capsule from ... when? 1970? 1980? You really cannot tell. You turn on a lamp next to a table, pop open the cola, and take a sip. It is fizzy, and tastes like those special Mexican colas that have real cane sugar in them. You put the can aside, and flop down on the sofa and lay on your back, holding the comic book over your head, and start reading.

You notice that the continuity between 111800 and 111811 is pretty good, despite the jump in the issue numbers. On the cover is what one would expect from an old-school comic. The scene looks like it takes place in a snow storm, with three characters and a sort of bobsleigh. Obviously this one is aimed for boys. Prominently featured is a tall woman appropriately outfitted in a fur-lined parka, heavy gloves, tight-fitting pants, and cavalry boots, but the parka has a deep V-neck that shows plenty of cleavage. The heroine really should have the parka fastened more securely and be wearing a ski mask and scarf if this were reality, but you are not really the target audience, are you? You can see bangs of some red hair poking out from under the fur lining of the hood, and a few long, curled strands doing a poor job of covering her decolletage. The woman is wearing a necklace of pearls, with a large ruby pendant in the center.

You can also see a man to her right. Not bad. He is also dressed in a parka and gloves. The man has longish hair that does not quite come down to his shoulders, and a mustache. You can see some rich purple cloth near his parka's lining. What would these sorts of people be doing out in the middle of a frozen wilderness?

To their right, peering at them in the bobsleigh, is a young woman that sort of looks like a little like you. Her face is thinner, with large eyes that were sort of like a bird's but not set apart as that. You notice that not every hair is in place like it would be for one of the bubbleheaded little cuties that the boys like to be around. It is more disheveled and real-life, like your own. She is also dressed in something that looks like a navy cape over her jacket, so it was hard to tell much else about her body.

Having nothing else to do, you start reading to find out the back story of these three people and the sled.

The first panel has the standard bold type narration, giving some background. The redhead with the decolletage is Princess Astra. The cute guy is named Fred. Something about that is familiar, and disquieting. You try to remember back. Somebody said, "You know that when you pass through each of these doors you will be a different person, even more than you already are." Somehow the number 83833 seems important, but you does not have that issue.

You sit and think further. Your coke is still cold. The sofa is comfortable. The department store does not stink. Being a nerd, you remember a jingle from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 song - "If you are wondering how she eats and breathes, and other sciences facts (la, la, la, la), repeat to yourself, it's just a show, I really should relax." You feel better somehow. This pile of papers is reality for next couple of hours or so.

She went back to reading the comic. The girl that sort of looked like her was a harpy, and the navy cape was actually part of her arm and wing infrastructure, as she was sort of built like a pterodactyl. Anyway, the back story is not as bad as the cover art indicated. Apparently Checkers, the young woman in the sleigh, has been in all sorts of adventures with Princess Astra and Lord Fred in the past, and the three are sort of like the three musketeers. They travel around their world and have all sorts of adventures. As you read more, Princess Astra and Lord Fred turn out to be really cool. Astra isn't stuck up and treats Fred and Checkers nicely, so you like her. She is pretty, but that causes her more trouble than it is worth, and she likes to get out and do things. She is pretty smart, but you think that she can be impulsive at times, not that there is anything too bad about that. You would like to have a friend like Astra. Fred is not in love with himself, and actually listens to the other two. He seems to have a cooler head. He would make a nice boyfriend. Checkers is a harpy, but more polite and nicer to regular people than the harpies of legend. She has some magic ability, but as her people do not have any magic tradition, she is not able to use it predictably.

Anyway, Fred and Astra are trying to get Checkers home. Her home is far away from where Astra and Fred live. In their latest adventures, the trio manage to defeat a giant golden rodent that threatened a city's fair, crossed the perilous frozen tundra of the Lambeau Fields, and subsisting on geese and bacon, ventured farther and farther north en route to the Dolomite Mountains. Now the narration says that the next episode is about "How Our Three Chums Saved Christmas." Chums? You are sure that you can write better stuff than this. Obviously the characters are headed to the North Pole and are going to meet Santa.

You have a thought. In the story of the three musketeers, Porthos, Athos, and Aramis also had d'Artagnan. You wonder if maybe you are the new character promised in issue 111800.

1. It is! You enter the story and will help save Christmas.
2. Actually, you enter the story as Checkers.
3. Actually, you enter the story as Princess Astra.
4. Actually, you enter the story as Lord Fred.
5. Strangely enough, we find that the snowstorm is in France, in 1625. Astra, Fred, and Checkers are in the world of the three musketeers.

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