A Bad Script for a Bad Sitcom
The Black Void - Episode 90
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"Great! We finally found an actor for that last part. Geez, man, you
don't know how long we've looked for someone to fill that position." The
burly man shakes my hand. He has a very firm grip. "Just go into the
studio back there and Mr. Anderson will help you."
Mr. Anderson, or John, as he insists I call him, is a short, balding man who almost never stops smiling. "Great to have you on the show! I'm John Anderson, I'm the head of the crew that does just about all the behind- the-scenes work. We've only got five people, you know, seeing as public television is so underfunded and all, but gosh darn it, we're going to make this show work!" "I'm Roger Davidson, pleased to meet you." "Okay then, Rog--mind if I call you Rog--just read over the script for this scene. You're Riker, an annoying civilian. Play the role by ear; we'll tell you if we want something different. We'll be shooting in about five." I look over the script for a short scene that appears to be the introductory scene for the pilot episode. Initial shot of a very large star. Zoom out slowly to show several space stations in orbit. As camera continues to zoom out, one large space station comes into view from the right side. The close-up of the space station shows a torus rotating around a cylindrical rod made of solar cells. As the center of the disk comes into the center of the screen, zoom in, into a small room near the vertical center of the torus. SCENE 1 JEFFERSON'S ROOM has a bed on the right and a desk in the back, near the door, with a touchscreen right above it. An open door to the left leads into a bathroom. Blue carpet-like material covers the floors, while the walls are painted bright red. COMMANDER JEFFERSON is pacing from the bathroom door to the bed and back again, muttering something about how his wife is going to kill him. He is a tall man, forty-ish, with a uniform that distinguishes him as one of the three station commanders and a distinct Southern accent. The door opens as LIEUTENANT CROSBY sticks his head inside. Crosby: Commander, your presence is requested on the bridge. Jefferson: Says who? Crosby: Lieutenant Beauchamp and Professor Qian. Seems the computer's gone haywire again. Jefferson: Well I'll be. Fifth time in the past eight days that thing's had problems. CROSBY has opened the door all the way and is standing in the doorway. Crosby: Come on, Commander. Let's go. Jefferson: All right. But those nitwits better be working on that formula to keep my wife sane. SCENE 2 The SHIP'S BRIDGE has two plush armchairs and a gigantic screen embedded into one wall. A raised platform hovers above the area behind the chairs, attached by two small stairways. BEAUCHAMP and QIAN are on it, arguing on opposite sides of a table. QIAN is clearly upset at the mess of broken glass on the table, or the fluid oozing out of it. It's hard to tell which. Qian: Rook at this, this, mess! Beauchamp: Now, come on, professor. I did exactly what you told me to do. You told me to throw the bottle on the table. Qian: Yes but I did not tell you to break it! My rife's rork! Beauchamp: Yes, I know, now your wife will have to go and do everything all over again. Qian: Did you not hear! My rife's rork is ruined! Ruined! Beauchamp: Yes, Dr. Qian, I know that your wife is going to be a very angry woman when she finds out. Send her over to my room for some girl talk. That'll help her in no time. Qian: You not understanding? I not married! No rife! Just rork! Beauchamp: No, doctor, I understand perfectly. I'm sorry you have no life. RIKER enters through a side door. Riker (to BEAUCHAMP): Yo, lieutenant babe! Doing anything tonight? Zoom in on BEAUCHAMP's face. She looks down and shakes her head, her face reddening with embarrassment. Cut quickly to focus on QIAN. Qian (irritated): Rirr you terr this roman that I have no rife? Riker: Hey babe, d'you hear that? I think science guy over here just finally realized how pathetic his life is! (laughs annoyingly) Beauchamp: First of all, I am Lieutenant Susan Beauchamp. Not babe, lieutenant babe, hot stuff, or whatever inane name you want to call me. Riker (interrupting): Ooh, someone's getting defensive. Beauchamp: Second, that's just what I told Professor Qian here before you so inconsiderately butted in. Now where's the darn commander, he needs to take a look at this. BEAUCHAMP moves down the nearest stairway into one of the armchairs. Shift between BEAUCHAMP and RIKER's eyes, which follow her, with long shots of the bridge. Riker: Well, I need to take a look at that. Shake it, babe! BEAUCHAMP suddenly turns around and glares in Riker's direction. Beauchamp: Civilian First Class Daniel Riker, if you do not stop that behavior right now, I am going to personally put this boot in your butt and kick you out of here. Do you understand me? RIKER nods meekly in approval, keeping his eyes fixed on BEAUCHAMP's chest. JEFFERSON and CROSBY enter through the door in the back of the set as BEAUCHAMP sits down in one of the armchairs. Qian: Commander Jefferson, Rieutenant Crosby, wirr rone of you prease terr these peopre that I have no rife? Am not married! Jefferson: Well, yes, professor, I'd say it was pretty obvious you have no wife. Now, on a related note, did you develop that hallucinogen for MY wife? Qian: Werr, you see, Commander, it was armost ready, untir stupid rady over there broke the bottre. Now I need another five reeks to redo it. Jefferson: Oh God. I don't think I can deal with another five weeks of this. MRS. JEFFERSON walks through the scene. Mrs. Jefferson (singing): I've got a secret, and I won't tell. The fewer that know, the better for me. I've got a secret, and I won't tell what that secret will be. Jefferson: Elaine! Stop that infernal racket! Mrs. Jefferson: But Audrey told me that--no, I can't tell you our little secret, can I, Audrey? Oh no, mister, you're not getting our secret. MRS. JEFFERSON exits through the door on the other side. Riker: Geez, commander, and I thought I was crazy! Crosby: ENOUGH! That is, of course, with your permission, sir. Jefferson: You know that you have my permission to yell random words at the top of your voice whenever you feel like it, as long as it doesn't disturb the chickens in Sector Seven or the amorphous blob colony in Sector Three. Beauchamp: Commander! The computer has once again decided that, as a sentient being on this station, it demands to be paid an hourly wage for the work that it does keeping this station afloat. I've tried every trick in the book to stop it, but it insists. Jefferson: Well, let me try. (pause) Charlie? Computer: Yes, Commander Jacob Ewell Jefferson? Jefferson: Charlie, it's come to my attention that you would like an hourly wage for your duties keeping this station afloat. Computer: Well, naturally, commander. Everyone else on the ship gets paid for their work. It's not fair to discriminate against me because my cells are made of silicon. Jefferson: You see, Charlie, the problem is that you have nothing to spend it on. Meanwhile, everyone on board needs it to buy food, and clothes, and video games... Computer (interrupting): Which they use my circuits to play, thank you! Beauchamp: The simple fact is that we need the money more than you do! Commander, I've been trying to get it through Charlie's thick neural network for about four hours now, or at least until that moron professor tried to blame me for his clumsiness. Qian: Am not moron! What moron mean anyway? Computer (simultaneously): Lieutenant Second Class Susan Elizabeth Beauchamp, I remain firm in my intention to earn an hourly wage for my duties. I further intend to go on strike until my demands are met. BEAUCHAMP, CROSBY, and JEFFERSON all stare at the blank screen in shock. Riker: Oh come on, babes. You're not going to let a supercomputer get the best of you, are you? Beauchamp: Daniel Riker, if you're so adamant about me not losing to the computer, then you can get Charlie back up and running. And maybe if you do, I just might think of you as something other than the most reprehensible biological creature in the known universe. "Okay, everyone. Let's run through scenes one and two!" Mr. Anderson's voice gets me up and running to my spot offstage. Wow, this script sucks. I'm excited that I'll finally be able to list actual acting jobs on my resume, but I don't think anyone wants to see "Cancelled in the middle of the pilot episode due to general stupidity and ratings somewhere below zero" underneath the job description. Oh well. Just maybe, someone will edit the script, throw in a funny joke that doesn't involve a stereotypical Asian who can't speak Engrish--oops, English--or a love story that seems to border on sexual harrassment, and somehow make this show good.
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unknown adventurer (who is well aware that the script is not good)
3/7/2005 11:21:11 PM
Extending Enabled
1644245 episodes viewed since 11/21/2004 7:16:57 PM.