Deadly puns

The Black Void - Episode 1611

"Are you sure you have the right hole?" Belle asks.

"Oh shoot," says Cool Hat. He pulls the rope up and steps over to a second hole about six feet to their left. He is leaning over it to lower the rope when the surface of what appeared to be a dark hole, wobbles briefly, and a bullet zips out, missing his ear by inches before burying itself in the ceiling.

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT LITERALLY!" he cries out as he stumbles backwards and almost drops the rope into the hole. Fortunately Belle has the presence of mind to step on the end of the rope, so Cool Hat (who almost lost his hat, making him just Cool...never mind) is able to pick it up and start pulling. Almost as soon as the rope starts moving, it tightens and starts jerking as if someone is climbing for his life down there.

Seconds later a fat man wearing a shabby straw hat that would look better on a draft horse, emerges from the hole clenching a cloth bag between his teeth, eyes blazing with murderous rage and climbing furiously with both hands even though he has a bleeding gunshot wound in his side.

As soon as (Belle presumes) Charlie is a back on safe footing he drops the bag into one hand, flings it into a corner, punches Cool Hat in the gut, grabs the rope and tosses it into the hole, which promptly snaps shut.

"By all means, take your time! We've got all night! Wanna do your nails first? Grab a shave? What the duck were you doing up..."

He stops and claps his hand over his mouth. Did he just say duck?? It's like he's in a family friendly story where the swearing has to be censored for kids. Speaking of kids...

"Wrong hole," Belle interjects, indicating the one she came out of. Gazing with consternation at the gory wound she adds: "Is there a first aid kit here?"

Cool Hat, still regaining his breath, raises a shivering hand and points to the corner where the cloth bag (wich Belle assumes to contain the aforementioned diamonds) fell, but it's not in sight. There is just a big, half open canvas bag. The cloth bag must have landed inside it. Pretty good toss for a wounded man, considering the distance. She hesitates to check out the bag, worrying what else might be in there.

Charlie looks back and forth, measuring distances. "Of course it's the wrong one, you figplucker!" Okay, now it's getting annoying. "That's why we need the... stupid diamonds in the first place, to stabilise the gates. Didn't you hear a word of what I told you about void instability?"

"But Charlie," his partner groans. "You never told me about void instability." He glances at Belle and nods in the direction of the bag, whispering "Kid? Kit!"

"You never listen! All you think of is goose and boars..." He stops, stares at the ceiling and yells: "STOP THAT, YOU SONG OF A WITCH!"

  1. An elderly woman with a pointy hat and warty face appears, clutching a broomstick in one hand and some sheet music in the other. "Did someone call for a singing witch?"
  2. "It's alright, guys," Belle breaks in. "I've heard worse swearing in school. In English class, in fact."
  3. Seeing Charlie blanch, she finally gathers the courage to check out the bag. It contains the cloth bag, a white box with a red cross on it, a steel slingshot and a rubber mask of the principal's face.
  4. Charlie passes out from blood loss.
  5. The Neverending Quest Fairy grants each of them a fish. The censor function has some glitches.
  6. The audience from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" roars "GET ON WITH IT!"
  7. Josh Burbank appears wearing a pink kangaroo suit with a large badge proclaiming "I am not gay!" Belle, who spent three summer vacations in Kalgoorlie, can't help noticing that the costume has a pouch.

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11/7/2010 1:19:17 PM

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