Somebody Call the Moderators -- and other delightful Tales of the Sea!
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 88809
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Once aboard, Fogeno showed his compassionate side, proving that he was a
complicated character with a wide range of complex emotions and thoughts.
He wasn’t a one note, minor recurring act – like your Zulars or your Zerms
or even your Brunos or Belbozes – he was a diversified and highly underused
(and some might argue, key) element to the story and the site in general.
“Awww, I’m sorry fer yellin’ at ye lily-livered swabs like that,” he
gushed, surging like the sea with compassion. Indeed, compassion seemed to
gush, or, as it perhaps
more adequately should be described, ooze,
from his
every orifice. Or.....whatever that was oozing out of his every orifice.
Something was oozing out of his orifice....es. How
unsettling.....what? I mean....what is that? It looks oily. It was
oozing....that’s for sure. Out of his every orifice. Huh. Ahem!
Aaanyway... Where were we? Oh yes! What ensued next was a group hug on a scale Astra had never before witnessed. Every sailor and hotty aboard the craft surrounded the captain and squeezed him. This of course caused whatever was oozing from his orifices – compassion or rum or puss or whatever manner of foul-smelling bodily fluid it might be – to ooze even more oozingly, marking the first and last time a fake word would be employed (most likely without success) to induce a cheap chuckle from the reader. In this episode, that is. Or whatever you want to call this tedious travesty that you’re reading. Sorry. Why are you reading this? Don’t you have more important things to be doing right now? Good God. Life is short. Please, just, don’t do this. You don’t have to do this. You have a lot to live for. No one should be reading this crap. This is horrible. It really is. And I apologize. I really do. Anyway....“Alright, alright,” said the seacaptain, shaking off the affection. “Alright. Alright, dammit! I said alright! Alright? Damn. It's called a personal bubble, folks. Sheesh. Now get back to work, ye scurvy-dogs! Swab the deck and baton down the hatches and hoist the mainsail....or whatever generic pirate catchphrase ye want to insert. Uhhh, don’t hoist the mainsail, on that note. Sorry. I get a little carried away.” “It’s okay, captain,” said a toothless slaver with a wooden cock, perched high above on the crow’s-nest. “We still love ye all the same!”“Oh, shut the hell up before I run ye through with my blade,” Fogeno chuckled half-jokingly. Jokingly is an actual word. He then turned to Astra, switched his trademark patch to the other eye, and leered at her in his unsettling fashion. “Arrrrrr,” he said. “What do you want?” came Astra’s blunt retort.The captain scratched his barnacle laden-beard and mused over the quandary with a thoughtful look in his one “good” eye. “That’s a right good quandary?” he finally surmised. “What do I want? What do any of us want? Happiness, I suppose. Rum. Whores. A ship full of happy sailors. Calm seas. Seagulls make me happy. So do bees. And whores. And long walks on the beach. And rum. And whores. Aye, I be a simple man. A simple man indeed... but there’s a deeper longing beneath all the plunderin’ and whorin’ and boozin’ and other generic sailor activities. A longing fer truth. Fer justice! A longing fer liberty! Fer understandin’! And, most important of all, a longing fer rum. And whores. So, in summation; mostly rum and whores, I suppose. Aye....that’s what I want....” Astra shook her head and with a heavy, dispassionate sigh could only say, “Sorry I asked.”The captain nodded, “I’m sorry ye did too, me hearty. I’m sorry ye did too....” SUDDENLY!“Look up in the air!” said the slaver with a wooden cock. “It’s a bird!” said this other slaver. His name was Vinz and he liked appletinis. “It’s a plane!” said another. “It’s....flying monkeys?” said the princess. “Robert, you sly dog!”The captain glowered. “This can’t be good....” Sure enough, a horde of winged monkeys was sailing through the air at them! But how? Astra hadn’t noticed them having wings before now! But here they were, flapping their mighty wings. She silently took back all the nasty things she had said about Billingslley. It looked like the man was going to redeem himself. Indeed, as the hordes descended upon the ship and tore the pirates all to bits, their soul-piercing cries of anguish ringing through her mind, she couldn’t help but smile. She felt something for Robert, a warmth. A passionate heat. She couldn’t really find the words to describe how she felt. But perhaps Reo Speedwagon can! Lo then! Behold: I can't fight this
feeling any longer. I said there is no reason for my fear. Cause I feel so secure when we're together. You give my life direction, You make everything so clear.
And even as I WANDER, I've forgotten what I started fighting for. It's time to bring this ship into the shore, And throw away the oars, forever.
Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've been running round in circles in my mind. And it always seems that I'm following you, girl.....er, I mean, Billingsley, Cause you take me to the places, That alone I'd never find.
And even as I wander, I've forgotten what I started fighting for. It's time to bring this ship into the shore, And throw away the oars, forever.
Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore. Indeed. So, quite an intriguing little mystery we have on our hands now, eh? And how about Astra's new found romantic inclinations toward Bob? Huh? How about that? Pretty interesting, huh? This story is progressing along nicely. Not the BEST thread ever, but it's pretty good! There's some subtle plot elements and character development here, beneath all the horrible writing by yours truly. JH isn't doing too bad at all, keeping up with some of this nonsense. Can't quite understand why someone as respectable as JH would get involved in a thread like this to begin with. But, meh. Why ponder the imponderables? And the best part is, the author of the next episode is the one that’s going to have to pick up the pieces left in the wake of this crappy episode! HA! Good luck with that one! Winged monkeys....what nonsense! Or is it?
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Ib
1/9/2010 12:02:53 PM
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