Squeegee the Third Eye

"You didn't lie to him," says Future Bill Murray. "Well...not really."

"I..I told him he was still alive," said present-day Bill Murray, stuck in the Staircase Room. "Maybe I need to call him--not just for him, but for me, and just tell him the truth--"

"Well...what else were you going to tell him? What COULD you tell him? That he was going to die at age 71 on July 22, 2008 at 5:55 in the evening? And then what? Do you really think he'd WANT to know the moment of his own death, down to the minute and second? Would YOU? Or anyone else, for that matter?" His future self sighed. "Look..you told him what he needed to hear. If you'd told him the truth, even if he DID believe it, all he'd have done is spent the next few decades living in fear of that day."

"Or done something to change it," the Bill Murray of this era said.

"...OR done something to change it," his future self agreed. "But...from your perspective, that might not be a good thing, either."

"I'm not following. Look, if he ate a little differently, maybe exercised a little more, or had more frequent checkups, maybe he could have put it off for a few years. Maybe he'd still be here with us."

"Maybe. Or, maybe he'd have gotten overconfident, stepped off the street in front of a bus and died thirty years early. Or something even worse." Future Murray sighed. "Look I'm not a physicist. Or a theologian. All I know is what I've been told by--okay, I can't talk about that, either. Let's just say that making major changes to the timeline isn't especially healthy for either of us. And making a change like that...well, I'd say that's a pretty major change."

Past Bill Murray. "Look, if you're me, then you've seen the same Star Trek episodes I have."

"Yeah. Or something. Actually, it may work more like...well, imagine a giant, empty, black void, and the only thing left in all existence is a single note in the very center that says, 'If that's how you assholes want to play, I'm taking my marbles and going home. Signed, God.'"

Bill Murray the Younger almost dropped the phone.

"Hello? Still there?" he heard.

He awkwardly put the phone back to his ear. "Uh...yeah. Sorry. I don't think I'll be asking any personal questions, then."

"Good idea. Look, George is going to be fine. He's got several decades of life, and they're good. Let him have them. And when he does go..he lives in the hearts and memories of all the people he's ever touched. And that's all any of us can ask. Your conscience is clean."

"Were you ever tempted?" Bill the Younger asked his older self.

He laughed. "Oh yeah. In fact...I called up Bill Hicks, circa 1990, and told him how he was going to die. Told him he needed to take a trip to the doctor, maybe head it off. And yeah, I knew exactly what kind of mistake I was making. I figured that, given what was gonna happen a few years down the line...we were gonna need him. Badly. I thought the risk was worth taking. So I called him up, told him who I was, and then I told him. I told him all of it."

"So what happened?" asked Murray.

"It was the damndest thing. First, he wasn't surprised at all. In fact, when I told him who I was, he told me, 'Yeah--I figured I'd be getting this call any day now. How's 2019?' That threw me off my stride."

"He already knew, didn't he?" said Murray the Younger.

"Everything. When I told him about the cancer, he said, 'I already know the score. Don't worry about it.' He thanked me, we talked for a few more minutes, he told me..."

"Well, what'd he say?" asked the younger.

"He told me, 'When he calls, tell him to check between pages 313 and 314 in the thesaurus. It's in the fourth box from the right in the corner of the room. He'll find it there.' And then he thanked me again and hung up." He chuckled. "Which is what I was going to tell you to do in a little bit, if I recall how this conversation went. This conversation isn't going EXACTLY like I remembered it, but..I don't think it really matters. So...get to it."

1. ...he finds a very small plastic pouch of dried mushrooms, and a note from Bill Hicks.
2. ..he finds a key.
3. ...he finds a small piece of paper, with a phone number and a strange sequence of numbers.
4. ..he finds a map of the way out.
5. he finds a wormhole in the depths of the book.
6. He finds a small credit card, with a single "infinity" sign where the name should be.
7. He finds...something else.

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