Take Two Placebos and Call Ma Lame

Taking ten minutes to regain his composure somewhat, Murray decided to ring up Josh Burbank. Even though Josh was clearly the wilder and more antisocial of the two, the actor felt that he had no choice. Besides, the chance existed that if Scott refused to help out, there wasn't anything that guaranteed that Josh would do the same.

Bill dials. After two rings, Josh picks up. "Hey, Bill!" he says, sounding cheerful.
"Oh! Josh? Is everything okay? I just got brushed off by Scott when I called him, and I guess turnabout is fair play with all of the times he'd been abusing my private number in the past couple of years."
"Yeah, Bill, Scott's okay. Here's what you did, though. He was busy making love to Krissy when you called him. You remember Krissy, don't you? I think you two briefly met before, right?"
"Ummm...yeah! I think I remember seeing her. Cute little Mexican chick with the pierced tongue, right? Scott's got a good catch there, man. Hopefully they straightened out that issue with her sleeping with Scott behind Robert's back."
"Roger's his name."
"Right, Roger. I remember his luck with girls when I first met him at the 2 Good 4 Ya club in Hollywood a long time ago, Josh."
"How many did he score that night?"
"Five, I think."
"Bah!" Josh scoffs. "That was an average night for Scotty, man. His record was 23 in twenty four hours."
"Man, I wish I had that kind of stamina now. Hell, I wish I had that kind of stamina when I was his age!"
"Well, I hear you, Bill, but not everyone can perform like Scott did. I didn't even know what he was up to until the night that Sara Hewitt and I trailed him to a bar when we were all in the Northwest Territories one weekend, and we saw him in action."
"My god, how long did he try to screw every woman in the world?"
"About ten years, right up until he met Krissy. It's hard to believe someone like Scott would even want to settle down with one woman."
"This was because of the basketball riot in school?"
"Partially. He was the middle child of a large family, eleven kids, and his dad is a pretty good American humor writer..."
"Yeah, Al Childers! I've been asked to appear in a couple of film adaptations of his humor columns. Didn't do it, I was committed to other projects with Wes Anderson, y'know."
"Huh. Well, Scott was the sixth of the Childers children, and it seems that half of his family is screwed up somehow, and almost always when it comes to love, relationships, or sex. That's a different story for a different time, though, Bill. Now, enough about Scott. What can I do for you, Mister Murray?"
"Well...I'm sure you're familiar with this staircase room, right?"
"Oh yeah. Spent a lot of time there. I could end up back there in a moment's notice, too."
"I'm stuck in it right now, Josh, and quite honestly, it's starting to give me the creeps. So, I guess I just need some helpful advice here. How do you guys deal with it? And is there some kind of way out of here? I mean, nothin' against you guys, you're the best, even though you have tried my patience a few times by some of the calls I've had to take in the past couple of years, but I really don't know if I can spend any more time here than I have already!"

There's a long pause. Finally, Josh speaks.

"Okay, Bill...before I go on, I do need to bring up Scott again, even though I said enough about him. Whatever, though. Right after I graduated from Northwestern--"
"Good school!"
"Thanks. I do wish I had gotten to use that degree, though. Regardless, after I graduated with full honors, I was contacted by Scott's mom. Out of the blue, I should add. I don't know how or why she knew how to get in touch with me, since Scott and I never interacted from the moment I entered public school before the second grade all the way up until we graduated in '95. Hey, Scott didn't even go to the graduation ceremony 'cause he was too bummed out to leave that staircase room you're now in. Anyway, Scott's mom called me up, and for some reason, she asked me to help Scott out. I asked how I could help, since I didn't really grasp the nature of Scott's situation at the time, and Mrs. Childers asked me to 'just bring Scott home'. I asked his mom, can't Scott just come home by himself, and why do I need to help? She just replied that I don't understand, and asked me again to help him. I said I would, said goodbye, and went to a party where I got spectacularly wasted. I found myself on the two-lane highway at night, hungover, but now painfully aware of what Scott is trapped in."
"Yeah, the whole 'addventure' thing, right?"
"Right."
"So, there is no logical way out of this kind of existance, is there?"
"Well, yes and no. This is where it gets bizarre, Bill. We, meaning me, Scott, and everyone else we've met in the past ten, fifteen years, can exist in the real world and function. So while you can get up, go outside, and make your next movie or TV appearances without a problem, you're always going to have this slight feeling of discomfort. There's going to be this quiet, but audible voice in your subconscious, and you will swear that it's influencing you and your actions. This is what Scott's been dealing with ever since he left home and settled into that staircase room, and it may have directed him onto that path where his primary interest was fucking as many women as he possibly could. It's also what I've been dealing with ever since I woke up on a two-lane highway by the side of the road."
"Yeah, and people say that it's affected you worse than it's ever bothered Scott."
"Maybe, but some of the things I've done was trying to resist these outside forces, whatever they are, trying to use me as a puppet for their amusement. Believe it or not, Bill, I used to be a normal person. Then this whole Horsehockey shit came along, and it still ruined me. To think that this all started when I was asked to help Scott. Well, sorry to say, but we're all stuck like this. Forever, Bill. All I can really tell you is, you've just got to deal with it for the rest of your life...that is, if you're even allowed to die."
"No way out at all?"
"No, nothing we can think of has worked. Even death doesn't solve the issue."
"Do you think Scott's getting better than he was? Or at least is he coping with this than he was before?"
"I think so, now that Krissy's in the picture, but who knows what the future will hold. Look, we've broken this fourth wall enough, Bill. Shall we change the subject?"
"Yeah! Good idea."

An hour later, the call ends. Bill Murray didn't get the answer he was looking for, but now, he knows that it really won't be such a problem as he was originally fearing.

1. Or will it?
2. We do learn that trying to apply scientific reasoning to the nature of addventure characters is pretty awkward.
3. Everyone is severely reprimanded for breaking the fourth wall.
4. Something else?
5. Scott calls back to apologize.
6. Scott calls back to yell at Bill.

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