Last Hour of the Last Day of Work

Guy #1: Jasper is showing terrific form with his Bowie knife right here!
Guy #2: Look at his technique, ladies and gentlemen! The knife is sliding through the Shoe God's chest like the proverbial hot knife through butter.
Guy #1: During his time off after the demise of Horsehockey, Jasper Hewitt devised a very simple, but effective strategy for stabbing contests...
Guy #2: Yeah, don't let the other guy stab you. That's logic so simple even a baby could understand it, but most of the professional stabbers never seem to realize it. They're perfectly content to lose nearly all of their blood during contests, risking death who knows how many times over, and having more scar tissue than skin on their bodies.
Guy #1: Right you are, and we're gonna throw it over to Josh Burbank, who will give tips on how to win a kicking in the groin contest. Josh?

Josh stands in a brightly lit studio with his special guest, Ben Schumin of Schumin Web fame:

"Thanks, guys," says Josh, looking into the camera. "I'm Josh Burbank, and my guest co-host is Ben Schumin. Welcome, Ben!"
"Um, I really need to get down to the protest..."
"Hang on there, Schumin. Now, the main strategy for winning a kicking in the crotch contest is very, very simple. Be sure that you're the one going first!"

Before Schumin can react, Josh turns around and kicks him in the nards as hard as possible. Over 200 pounds of self-absorbed, socially awkward virgin hits the studio floor, clutching his groin, and bawling his eyes out. Ben's face also turns a brilliant shade of red.

"That's our pro tip for this week, sports fans! I'm Josh Burbank, and let's throw it back to the guys in L.A."

1. What do the guys in Los Angeles have to say?
2. What kind of world has professional stabbing or groin kicking contests?
3. Stay with Ben Schumin sobbing on the studio floor.

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