Big Red, Episode Five: The User Guide Strikes Back!

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 71138

“Double damn!” Fred blustered angrily. With limited options he once again consulted the User Guide.

Step Four: Let me guess, you went and pushed the Red Button. Didn’t you? Well, you screwed up. Now’s the part where you apologize for your indiscretions.

Fred blushed. “Uh...sorry?”

Step Five: We accept your half-hearted apology. Why? Because we here at Acme are good people. Less could be said about others. Are you ready to follow the instructions this time? Be honest, because we’re not going to go through this again. Okay? Good. It’s going to be a lot harder going now, but the situation is still salvageable. Just stick to the program, okay, backaroo? How does that tickle your nipples? Are they still tender? Well give them another good rubbing just to be on the safe side. Done? Good. Now adjust the knob on the Hypotronic-Fluxinator and set it to ‘I promise I wont press the Red Button again’ setting. Done? Good. Now, standing on one foot, hop about like an idiot and say, “I’m a nutty bunny” five times. Done? Good. That was pretty funny - but had nothing to do with the process of Bottomless Pit Removal. It was merely for our own morbid delights. Thank you.

Step Six:Take the Polorazied Resurrection Receiver and jam it into the Thermo-Astro Flibbertyjibbet. Watch out for the broken glass! Okay, now the Hyperspatial Stapler should be glowing green. Touch it.

Fred hesitated. “I dunno...it looks kind of dangerous...”

Just do it. Touch it. Please? Please touch it.

Fred touched it. A searing pain coursed through his entire body. He yelped in anguish.

Step Seven: Did you actually touch it? Oh. Well, you shouldn’t have actually touched it. But what’s been done is done. Take the Catalytic Pliers and throw them on the ground. You won’t be needing them anymore. Go ahead and rub your nipples again - you need to keep them at optimal tenderization for this work. Done? Good. Now insert three quarters into the machine to keep it from going into self-destruct mode. It will vaporize you, along with everything else within a three mile wide radius. Hurry up. The countdown sequence has already started!! Fred searched his pockets frantically, but to no avail. He panicked. He had to find three quarters - and fast!

  1. He whores himself out to the lowest bidder.
  2. He gets a job at a local fast food joint.
  3. He checks the couch cushions in the AA office.
  4. He pleads his case to the King.
  5. He runs about in circles screaming hysterically.
  6. He says, "Screw it." and walks away.

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11/12/2007 10:50:28 AM

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