The Home of Hamel the Hay Merchant, part III
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 71017
|
Supper-time in the home of Hamel the hay merchant was always a merry
occasion, and tonight was no exception. Although the overwrought bastard may be
constantly complaining about his ‘plight’, truth be told he did quite well
for himself - as was made evident by the virtual feast Thelma had prepared.
This did in fact arouse Fred's suspicions.
As the two men entered the warm kitchen area, Fred's jaw nearly dropped at the culinary spectacle laid out before him on the wide oaken table: Rabbit stew, roast duck, dumplings, potatoes, stewed carrots, freshly baked bread, corn on the cob, and the list went on... Hamel chuckled. “Hope ye’ve brought yer appetite with ye,” he said, giving Fred a well-meaning though slightly overbearing nudge.Indeed he had. In fact, he was absolutely famished. Thelma eyed the two of them suspiciously. “Hamel, don’t tell me you’ve gone and drank that poison of yours with this poor young man.”He shrugged as if to say, “Who? Me?” “You insatiable devil, you! Don’t you be messing up this poor lad’s head! I swear, Hamel, sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”He yawned. “Shut up, woman. Lest I smack you in the face. Let’s eat! Look at the lad, I think he’s drooling!” Oops. He was. How embarrassing!“I dare you to try!” she shot back, then turned to Fred and gazed at him with motherly affection. “Poor youngen’! I bet you haven’t ate in days!” That would be a safe bet.“BERTHA!!” Hamel bellowed suddenly, startling Fred half to death. “TIME TO EAT!” On cue the young, energetic lass bounded into the room again, her gravity-defiant breasts bobbing to and fro in all of their unrestrained glory. And so, without further ado, the four of them took their respective seats at the table: Hamel at the head, Thelma opposite him, and of course Fred and Bertha seated across from each other.And William? Well, he mostly stayed under the table. From time to time someone would throw him bits of scraps. “So, Phinneus,” Thelma said in an attempt to strike up casual conversation. “How’s the weather in Allaria this time of year?”“Allaria?” he replied through a mouth full of potatoes and roast duck. "How did you know?” Thelma rolled her eyes. “It's pretty obvious. The way you talk. The way you walk. The way you smell. So what got you into the ‘mageslaying’ business, anyway?”“Let the lad eat, Thelma!” Hamel interjected. She gave him a withering look. “I’m just making conversation, Hamel.”“You're being nosey is what you're being, wench! Fred cleared his throat. “It’s okay, really, Hamel. And it's Fred. Lord Fred.” Honestly though, Thelma, that’s not really a question I can answer, however. I’m afraid it's super, super secret. Do I really smell?” He sniffed his cloak in alarm.The table went silent. “Huh?” Hamel sputtered.“Okay, now I’m really intrigued, Count Phinneus,” Thelma confesseed. “What wizard is it,!? They’re a dime a dozen in Vjorica. Lemme guess, Zerm the Unspeakable? Magrot the Morbid? Tim the Enchanter?...” Fred had already said too much. “Well...I...no offense, but I’m afraid I can’t tell you that. It may jeopardize my safety and yours.”Hamel guffawed at that remark. “Oh, come on,” he goaded him. “It’s us. You can tell little old us! I mean, after all, I did invite you - a perfect stranger - into my home to stay with me and my family. For all we know you could be a deranged lunatic who wants to murder us in the dead of night and drain all the blood out of our bodies before raping each and every one of us in unspeakably horrible ways!” “EW!” cried Bertha. “Gross, daddy!”Well, the man did have a point, although he was certain Thelma would probably give herself over willingly. And these folk did seem to share a similar disdain for mages and their ilk. Fred sighed dispassionately. “Well...alright...” Their ears perked up. “...the mage I’ve been sent here to slay is Castellan.” There was a stunned silence. Then, without warning, everyone burst into wild, derisive laughter. Even William squealed in delight.“Good one, Phinneus!” Hamel declared, wiping loose bits of food and saliva from his beard. “I didn’t know you were a comedian! HA! Seriously, though. Tell us who you’ve been sent here to slay. We wont tell anyone. Promise.” Fred scratched his head. Did he miss something? “Uhh...I just did.” Again, there was another stunned silence in the wake of his words.“Now look at what ye’ve gone and done, Hamel!” Thelma scolded her husband. “Ye’ve drank that liqour of yours with the boy and he’s gone delusional!!” “Oh shut yer damn yapper!” came Hamel’s snappy retort. “The boy was obviously crazy to begin with.”Now wait just a minute here! “I’m not crazy!!” he protested. “I’ve been sent to topple Castellan. His very existence threatens the very fabric of the Universe! Or something. I’m a professional mageslayer. This isn’t a joke, I’m not crazy. This is why I’ve come to Vjorica. And it's totally super secret so don't tell anyone.” Hamel whistled. “Lad, Castellan is the most powerful sorcerer in Vjorica, indeed, in the entire world! I mean, look at William here! and you can see what the results of that were. Tell ye what, at least give it a few days of careful consideration before you go blundering into a deathtrap headlong like some kind of stupid idiot. I could use a little help, truth be told, and I'll pay you a fair wage. What say you, Earl Frank?”WIlliam nodded his head in agreement and let out a low squeal. Hmmm, maybe the dude had a point? Fred ventured another glance at William and shuddered uncontrollably. He didn't want to end up like that poor son of a bitch, that's for sure.
|
Ib
11/8/2007 2:19:52 PM
24925751 episodes viewed since 9/30/2002 1:22:06 PM.