The Secret Origin of Robert Billingsley--Who he Is and How he Came to Be

"Well," said Robert, clearly relishing the opportunity to tell about his own daring exploits. "It's rather a long story. You see, it all began 300 years ago, when King Otho the Lionhearted was off fighting in the war against Aldones and Allaria was ruled by King Eldrad the Vile. The nation of Allaria groaned under his tyranny. My father was a heroic nobleman who opposed his evil deeds. King Eldrad could not stand that, so he sent assassins to kill him. My parents and I were watching a play--Ye Olde Masque of Zorro by William Shakespeare, though everyone knows that that was actually a pseudonym for my own time-travelling future self. The assassins cut down my parents before my very eyes. The image will be burned into my memory forever. That night, I swore by the spirits of my parents to avenge myself upon King Eldrad and all other tyrants.

"As the years passed, I prepared myself for my career, becoming a master alchemist, training my body to phsycial perfection until I was able to perform amazing athletic feats, traveling to Nippon and training myself in the ways of the ninja, spending a year apprenticed to the Thieves' Guild of Aethiopia, being abducted by a secret Geldan government experiment and gaining and adamantium skeleton... After many years, I decided it was finally time to begin my mission. Eldrad, I reasoned, was cowardly and superstitious, so I must find a way to strike terror into his heart! Then, as if in answer, a huge drunken brigand crashed through my window! 'A brigand! That's it!' I said. 'It is an omen! I shall become... a brigand!' And so I began my career as a brigand, robbing from the rich and giving to the poor..." The others were looking at him rather skeptically. "Well, all right. I kept some for myself. I was poor too, you know.

"At any rate, this particular adventure began when my right-hand man, Will Mauve, was captured by my dastardly archnemesis, the Sherrif of Rottingham. When I heard this, I was sleeping with the fifth beautiful woman in five nights, becuase of course I am completely and utterly irresistable to women. So I rode off to the Sherrif's on my superfast mechanical horse that I stole from an evil sorceror.

"I rode off through the woods and dales for almost a day, driven and determined like a restless force of nature, until I finally reached the citadel. The Sherrif, you see, was really a super-strong seemingly unkillable demon in disguise. He captured and imprisoned beautiful women from across the Great Kingdom to sacrifice in his Satanic blood rituals. Using the secret ninja skills I learned from the Arashikage ninja clan, I snuck in and killed five hundred guards..."

"Does this have anything even remotely to do with how you became an immortal?" said Astra.

"Er, no, not as such," said Robert shamefacedly. "But it's very fascinating, isn't it?" The others just looked at him sternly. "All right, all right. So. I was running for my life through the Arden Woods, pursued by evil Satan-worshipping cultists after a very exciting adventure during which I killed a demon and had sex with fifty women, when I ran across a man riding on a horse. He was tall and dignified and clearly had a good deal of money on his person. I reasoned that he must be a corrupt clergyman and decided to rob him blind. "You there!" I said to him. "To where does this road lead?" Er, not because I was lost or anything, but because I wanted to ascertain his character. The man then said to me, 'See you not that narrow road, so thick beset with thorns and briars?'"

"'Of course I see it,' I told him, 'do I look like I'm blind?' But he completely ignored me. 'That is the path of righteousness, though after it but few inquire. And see you not that broad, broad road that lies across that lily leven?' Which, coincidentally, happened to be the road I had been traveling on at the time. I was about to answer, but he continued on. Clearly he wasn't the type who would deign for his questions to actually be answered. 'That is the path of wickedness, though some call it the road to Heaven.'"

"'Wait,' I told him, 'did you just say I was going to Hell? Why are you being so judgmental? Clearly any clergyman who's that judgmental must be completely hypocritical and corrupt.' But he completely ignored me again. "And see you not that bonny road that winds about the fernie brae? That is the road to fair Elfland, which on this night I now must go.'"

"'What are you talking about? Who are you? And what's a "fernie brae" supposed to be, anyway?'"

"The man then started to get very angry. His anger was cold and terrible, like a snowstorm. 'I am Oberon, the King of the Fair Folk!' he shouted at the top of his lungs. It seemed clear to me that he was obviously lying. For one thing, he was dressed in really hideous clothing. It was so flamboyant and brightly colored it made my eyes want to crawl out of my skull. He looked more like a fairy queen than a fairy king, if you get my drift. 'You're lying,' I told him. 'You're obviously a corrupt clergyman cleverly disguised as a flaming homosexual.' So then I kicked him in the bollocks twenty times until he passed out. And I stole his money. And his clothes. And his underwear, because mine was starting to smell funny and had mold in it, and... Never mind."

"And so then the corrupt clergyman woke up, and let me tell you, he was mad His eyes were literally shooting out lightning bolts. I realized that for perhaps the only time in my life I had proven wrong. 'You have trespassed upon Oberon, King of Elfland, and now I shall curse you for the rest of your life,' he said with his terrible, thundering voice. I faced him bravely and courageously. I wasn't cowering at all. Not even a little bit. But, well, the remark he made about me going to Hell, even if he had no right to judge my own lifestyle choices, was making me a little nervous. So I was hit by an inspiration. An utterly brilliant idea, if I do say so myself. I got down on my knees and whimpered, 'Please, please don't make me immortal! There is nothing I fear more in the whole world than the terrible soul-destroying ennui of immortality!' Right then and there, Oberon hit me with a weird bolt of energy which made me feel all tingly inside, like the mold in my underwear, and suddenly I was immortal. And so now I have carried on my lonely vigil against evil for centuries."

The others just stared at him stunned for a few moments. Then Fred shouted, "That didn't even remotely make sense!"

"But it's all true!" said Robert. "Every single word of it! Especially the part about me being irresistable to women."

"I've seen plenty of evidence to the contrary," said Astra wryly.

"Well, your sister used to be a man so she doesn't count. And you are clearly attracted to me and trying to hide it. I know the minute Fred and Alexis's eyes are turned you'll leap into bed with me. This wooden sword isn't the only enormous, long, erect thing sticking out of my body."

1. "I see why you wanted to kill him now," sighs Astra.

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