Don't Be Cruel

Leaving the DeLorean, he found that he was in a bathroom where a grotesquely fat man was sitting at the toilet, staring slack-jawed at him. "Oh my God," said the horrified fat man, "I need to lay off the drugs!"

"Er, are you all right?" said Sir Toby. The fat man started stuttering. Sir Toby noticed that he was visibly straining on the toilet. "Er, maybe you shouldn't be straining so hard?" said Sir Toby.

"Uh-huh, maybe I shouldn't," said the fat man. He bolted desperately out of the room and started screaming. Sir Toby shrugged it off and decided to go back to his mission, inadvertantly demolishing a large part of the house he'd just crashed into.

Sir Toby then took the DeLorean back to his house, a few months ago. He walekd in, hoping he wouldn't notice himself, and transferred the files from his server to the portable hard drive. It took several hours, but once it was done he felt as if a great weight was off his chest. Once he drove back home, however, he realized his problems were far from over.

He'd ended up on the street in his town where the local Catholic church was supposed to be. Instead, his car was parked in front of a massive cathedral covered with neon and flanked by massive naked statues of Elvis. A neon sign on top of the entrance said "First Church of the Almighty Elvis." Sir Toby realized just who it was he'd inadvertantly popped in on. "D'oh!" he said. "I hate it when that happens!"

Two fat men then tramped towards Sir Toby. They were dressed as late-period Elvis and carrying electric guitars. "Hold it right there!" the two men shouted. "Why are you going to the Church of the Almighty Elvis without wearing the Sacred Hairpiece? Don't you know that's an offence punishable by death?" The two men strummed a few chords on their electric guitars, which began to glow menacingly.

Sir Toby decided that now was not the time to start a confrontation. "Er, mine got blown away by the wind? I'm sorry, I have to attend the church, and..."

"Are you sure you're not some kind of terrorist?" said one of the guards.

"Why do you have to be so paranoid?" said Sir Toby. "Didn't the Almighty Elvis say, 'We can't go on together with suspicious minds?'"

1. "All right, fine," said the guards. They ushered him into the church.
2. The guards didn't buy it, and started blasting him with their guitars.

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