Fred's Coup De (Dis)Grace

Fred reckoned he could have explained away the Baywatch videos, the diaper, the colostomy bag, the subscription to Incontinent Grandmothers Monthly, the "I Love Hanson" badge, the smell of rotten eggs, the vomit-stained cassock, the group of small boys chained up in his bedroom, the blank cheque made out to Saddam Hussain, the 24 empty bottles of Absinthe, the laptop showing webcam feeds from the bedrooms of all his chambermaids, the CD collection comprised entirely of Styx albums, the kitten-torturing kit and the inflatable Pope with realistic hair.

But what seemed sure to ruin his reputation for good was

1. puppy fat
2. his NEQ log-on details
3. he had left a fork in his knife drawer

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