Fred Tries to Fit In, In the Inn
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 45803
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Over in one ill-lit corner of the sleazy pirates’ watering hole, Fred’s
trained eye spotted an old pirate’s head which looked to be in the final
stages of decomposition. Ignoring the barkeep for the moment, he ducked
low and weaseled his way through the sea of smelly swashbucklers. He had
an idea... Several minutes later a familiar looking ‘pirate’ swaggered his way up to the bar, a patch over his right eye and a fancy plumed hat on his head. “Arrrr,” he croaked. “Ahoy thar! Gimme yer strongest stuff, mate!” And he slammed a coin down onto the bar with as much force as he had in him. “Y’aint foolin’ nobody, ‘lubber,” the disgruntled barkeep scowled. “Ya stole that hat off the head of the late great Dread Pirate Lots.” “No I didn’t,” Fred lied as beads of sweat gathered on his brow. “C’mon then, mate. Let’s have yer strongest stuff.” And then he threw in a hearty “arrrrrrrr!” for good measure.The barkeep rolled his eyes and took the coin. “Fine,” he gave in. “It’s your funeral. I think I might even enjoy watchin’ ya make a damm fool outta yourself - I hope I get to see you die.” He threw a nearly empty bottle of rum at Fred, who ducked just in time. The bottle hit the pirate sitting on the stool next to him and the man immediately slumped to the filthy, vomit and excrement strewn floor. No one seemed the slightest bit concerned, as if a man getting knocked out with a bottle was as common as a cold. Fred shrugged off the attack and turned his attention to the other pirate next to him, a tall and wiry savage from the far southern seas. “Shiver me timbers!” he said with a goofy grin on his face. “Boy, this pirate’s life is the life for me! Don’t you just love all the plundering and pillaging and raping?”The tanned pirate grunted dispassionately and scratched his balls, staring at Fred with murderous rage mirrored in his thoughtful, weathered eyes. “Th’ plunderin’ an’ th’ rapin’ is alright, I guess,” he finally agreed. “Th’ pillagin’ gets kinda old.” “Yo ho ho!” Fred laughed. “So true! Arrrrr!” He made as mean a face as he could. “So, about that sign outside this place,” he added in his normal voice and accent. “I couldn’t help but notice it read: ‘HERE BE DRAGONS’ or some such crap. Is this some kind of, I dunno, pirate slang or pirate code or something?”The savage’s eyes widened in shock. “You can read!?” he reeled. Fred gulped as several nearby buccaneers overheard the savage’s remarks and narrowed their eyes on Fred resentfully. “Just a little bit,” Fred grimaced. Suddenly the rowdy tavern became deathly quiet and still as a winter’s night. In unison the crowd roared: “YOU CAN READ!?”“He aint no pirate!” yelled one of the scurvy bastards. “I say we put him to death!” shouted a crusty old salty whore.Uh oh...
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Lost Soldier
9/23/2004 9:08:40 PM
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