The Deadlock
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 45729
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The wizard answered: “No.” Lord Frederigo D’Honaire of Suffex, Dragonslayer, Knight of the Great Kingdom, invested with the Garter of Tamerlain and protected by the Jockstrap of Jericho, snapped. “Look, jerk off, it’s not that I don’t want to kick your ass, I really do,” he said as calmly as he could manage, unconsciously fingering the hilt of his own trusty sword. “But against my better judgement I’m going to let you continue your miserable existence if you just cut the crap and give me the stupid sword.” The Wizard of Kamiro stroked his long, gray beard thoughtfully. “I sense great anger oozing from your words like th’ venom of a Cobra as it prepares to strike it’s prey...”Again, Fred resisted the growing temptation to swipe off this man’s legs. “What part of ‘cut the crap’ didn’t you understand, you insatiable sodomite!? Let me simplify this for you, cut the crap or I’ll cut you.” “But what if there is no crap to cut?” the wizard responded mystically. “What if th’ crap you perceive is merely th’ understanding you lack?”“What if the understanding I lack is merely the crap you haven’t cut!?” Fred shot back defiantly. He hoped it made sense. “And yet,” the wizard continued undaunted, “what if th’ crap I haven’t cut is merely the lacking you don’t understand?”“And what if the crapping I understand is merely the cutting you lack?” “And it is here we reach an impasse,” the wizard sighed solemnly. “You are a formidable mind, youngster. You remind me very much of your brother.”Fred nodded slowly. “And you remind me of my grandpa. Well, at least you smell like him. It’s that musky ‘old man’ smell, you know?” “What you smell is wisdom,” the wizard corrected him. “No,” Fred persisted, “it smells more like stale sweat and liqour. With just a hint of....stewed carrots. Or piss or something.”“This is what wisdom smells like,” the aged wizard defended. “Wisdom is oft-times a pungent thing.” Fred’s nerves had calmed by this point, but he still wanted that sword. He decided to try a different approach. “Thank you for your time, oh wise one,” he flattered the old bastard, tactfully gathering up the sack of gold coins he’d dumped onto the table. “I can see you are a busy man with better things to do on your agenda than to deal with a filthy rich nobleman. Good day to you, sir.”And as he made ready to leave his ploy seemed to work. The Wizard of Kamiro rushed to the doorway of his humble quarters and blocked Fred’s path. He smiled pathetically. “You misunderstand me,” he said apologetically. “What with th’ cost o’ prescription meds these days, how can I afford to turn away such an offer? Please, take a seat at my table, I’m sure we can reach some sort of arrangement.” Fred acted reluctant. “You make it sound like we’re negotiating something. What I want is a very simple business transaction; I give you the gold, you give me the stupid !@#*ing sword. Simple as can be.”“Alright,” the old timer relented. “No more games. I shall fetch you the sword.” Fred couldn’t help but smile. “Finally! Wonderful! You do that, then!”The wizard smiled back. “I shall do it.” Fred motioned for him to get to it then. “Get to it, then!”“Okay.” “Great.”“Here I go.” “Fine, lovely.”“I’m going to go fetch it for you.” “Yes, you already told me that. That’s good. Off you go, then.”“Off I go.” “Okay.”“And without further ado, I shall fetch it.” “That you shall.”“Indeed.” “Yes.”“And away I go.” “And away you go.”“To fetch it.” “To fetch it.”The wizard burst into tears. “Okay, fine, you know what? I am a sodomite! There is no sword! I’m only keeping you here in the vain hope you might want to spend a romantic evening wining and dining with yours truly! Keep your gold - I want you, dear sweet Frederigo!”
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Lost Soldier
9/23/2004 9:06:54 AM
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