Pissing Wand

"Ach, Ich bin feucht!"*, he found himself spluttering, which was remarkable in itself, as Fred spoke no German.

[Indeed at this juncture it might be wise to point out that Fred also spoke no French, no Italian, no Spanish (or indeed any of the regional tongues of Spain: Basque, Galician or Catalan), no Portuguese, none of the Scandinavian languages, none of the Slavik languages, no Hungarian, no Finnish, no Czech, no Dutch, no Flemish, no Greek, no Turkish and none of the Celtic tongues, including both Scots and Irish Gaelic, Welsh, Manx, Cornish and Breton. Nor should it be inferred from the above that our protagonist was in any way fluent in Chinese (Mandarin, Cantonese or otherwise), Arabic, Egyptian, Syrian, Persian, Punjabi, Urdu, Bengali, Swahili, Bantu, Zulu, Hausa, Khosian, Tuareg, Pidgen, Thai, Malaysian, Japanese, Korean, Hebrew, Yiddish, Creole, Cherokee, Sioux, Cree, Latin, Sumerian, Hittite, Etruscan, Babylonian, Phonecian, Messopotamian or Assyrian. He did have a smattering of Aramaic, but nothing out of the ordinary.]

What was however more remarkable still than his momentary ability to speak German was the fact that upon awakening he found that he held in his hand a small wand, of the ilk of those used by stage magicians.

Now Fred was in no way simple or excessively subject to belief in the irrational, yet in these circumstances he found it all but impossible to believe that this wand had no magical properties. He therefore determined to discover if he could unleash its power by the simple expedient of waving it feverishly above his head and then pointing with some gusto at the opposite wall, which, as has been noted previously, was festooned with posters which were however too faded for any details thereon to be discerned.

What Fred had expected was unclear, even to himself, yet it was clearly most unexpected when he suddenly found himself becoming yet more "feucht" in a lukewarm yet rapidly-cooling manner, around the region of the groin . . .

(* - "I am moist!")

1. a Mexican bandit appears, says "Hey Meester, you steenk of peess!" and is promptly taken away by the Defenders against Racial Stereotyping
2. Fred uses the wand's powers to little effect
3. Fred's inability to speak Babylonian comes in unexpectedly useful

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