Passing Wind
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 45583
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Having no other means by which to determine the duration of his stay in
the waiting room, it was not long before the virtues became apparent of
having dined extensively that morning on curried egg and baked beans.
For it transpired that Fred was blessed with a uniquely gifted digestive
and excremental tract, inasmuch as the methane and other waste gasses
arising as by-products from the act of digestion in his stomach, which
were thence transmitted in turn to his greater intestine, lower
intestine,
colon and bowel, before issuing from his anus in a deeply-rasping flap of
arse-cheeks, did so at intervals of such regularity that Fred was able to
mark the passage of time by them. Thus in the course of time Fred was
able to think to himself "It is exactly one hundred and twenty three
farts since I last retied my left shoelace", or "This dull yet intense
ache in my scrotum has now lasted just a shade under forty eight
farts." And so forth It had however not escaped Fred's notice, and nor I suspect that of the more alert reader, that Fred had been furnished with but one of the two components necessary for the accurate determination of the passage of time. For while he had indeed been smiled upon by Fortune in that he could measure the passage of time in terms of the number of farts emitted, he had no means of determining the length of time which elapsed between successive farts. To add to his misfortune, Fred had been inattentive in school when the subject of Time had been discussed, and so found himself unable to reckon with any accuracy what this length of time might be, although by his best estimate he was comfortably certain that it could be no less than three minutes and no more than twelve hours. A further problem presented itself some time later when Fred felt his eyelids becoming heavier and realised that he was falling asleep. Fred was dismayed at this development, as if he were to fall asleep he would be unable to keep count of the number of farts he had emitted (and therefore omitted) and would as a result lose all track of how long he had been waiting. Simply put then, Fred could not afford to fall asleep.
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Eric Kantona
9/17/2004 6:46:08 AM
21493000 episodes viewed since 9/30/2002 1:22:06 PM.