Queen of Evil?

Astra looked ready to destroy, in fact. "Hussy?! I'll kill you! I swear it! I will escape and annihilate you if its the last thing I do!"

"Take her away!" the Usurper said contemptuously.

"YES, MY LORD." Attackur said respectfully, and shuffled off to slide down a fireman's chute leading to the lower level of the castle. Betty could still hear Astra's cries of rage for a good long time.

"The races?" Betty said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yep." said the Usurper. "We dress jocks up in funny lookin' costumes and have them run around an obstacle filled track. My minions get drunk and place bets. Good fun all around."

"I don't know..." Betty said. "If I'm gonna marry you, couldn't you tone down the whole Evil thing just a little bit?"

The Usurper's face contorted in murderous rage for a second, and then he seemed to calm down. In an icy tone of voice he spoke "You are asking me - the evil twin brother of the most evil man who ever lived - to tone it down?! Why, I've half a mind to..."

His cellphone suddenly rang "...waitaminute. Yello?" the Usurper said, and then began talking animatedly to whoever was on the other end. Betty rolled her eyes. This guy was definitely a fixer-upper. Still he, was rich, had cool computer equipment and hated Star Trek: Voyager... perhaps she could yet tame his volatile and abrasive nature?

"Fire them all!" the Usurper was yelling into the phone. "All 5 million workers! I dont care how many are a week from retirement - they're dead weight, get rid of them!"

Betty wandered from computer monitor to computer monitor. On one, the Usurper had code for a virus he amusingly called Demon Bunny. It was designed to paralyze all the world's computer systems if they weren't compatible with Windows. Standard business practice? Hmm...

"Look, Charlie," the Usurper was saying. "You're gonna have to start attracting a younger demographic. How bout starting an internet cartoon show where all the hip superheroes get their powers from smoking Microboro cigarettes? It would be..."

Betty wasn't listening. She moved on to the next computer monitor. Here was a website dedicated to the evil god Baalramgaur, with specific instructions, illustrated in Japanime, on how to sacrifice innocents en- masse to increase your own business prowess. Okay, that's pretty bad, Betty thought. But maybe he was just reading it for general trivia purposes?

"I said, we need more sand for microchip construction! Take all their sand! They're a primitive race, they can't resist! Who cares if they depend on it for food?" the Usurper yelled in the background.

Betty moved on to the next computer - and here she froze in her tracks. It displayed an e-mail from the Chaos Dimension's most prominent 7 of 9 fanclub. The e-mail read: Dear EvilTwinSexMachine64 - for your stirring essay - 101 reasons I love 7 of 9 - you win... a hot date with 7 of 9 herself! Don't let your significant other find out! And if he/she/it does, then just kill them and move on! Zing! Don't forget to order your official...

Betty stopped reading. Eyes blazing, she turned to face the evil psycho perv traitor. He was laughing about something "No kidding... how many killed... allright!", literally turning red in the face as he brayed into the cellphone. Betty felt a strong biological urge to bash his brains in with a rusty mace.

Then, the door burst open and Fred walked in.

The Knight cast an imperious glance around the room. "What ho? What manner of mechanical mayhem is this?"

"Fred!" Betty gasped.

"Yeah, I'll call you back." the Usurper said and put the cellphone away. "Now, what have we here?"

"I am Frederigo D'Honaire, heir to the Duchy of Suffex." Fred said. "You there, goateed boy, summon your Lord right away so I can learn why he's kidnapping innocent women!"

The Usurper grinned. "You medieval moron! You're looking at him!"

"You... royalty?" Fred gaped in disbelief. "My pardons. Your clothing is highly unbefitting a man of station. In any case, I must now repeat my inquiry, and back it up with threat of force! Release Astra, and also that lady over there, who knows my name though I do not know hers."

"Fool." the Usurper spat, leaping onto a table and ripping his Xena shirt in half to reveal an embarrassing lack of muscle tone. "Yes, I may not look like much... but watch this!"

Razor sharp 20" claws sprang from his knuckles. "Adamantium?" Betty asked.

"That's right, babe!" said the Usurper. "When you're the richest man in the Chaos Dimension, you can afford a few... enhancements! My entire skeleton is grafted with indestructible Adamantium, just like Wolverine!"

"Shut up!" Betty said. "Don't call me babe, you creep!"

"All this means..." Fred said. "...is that I won't have to strike down an unarmed man!"

1. With a mighty roar Fred charged, sword held in both hands.

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