Fred's Annoying Temper Tantrum & Other Episodes

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 25929

Fred began to scream and shriek uncontrollably. Waving his arms and legs, he sobbed like a little girl and bashed his head against the wall. "WHY WHY WHY?!" he yelled, running around, slipping in dragon dung, getting up, slipping again.

The Ghost of Velus, a mysterious hybrid between man, dog and mouse, listened patiently for Fred to vent his frustrations.

"First, I get sent into these caves to destroy the Dragon! All alone, armed with just my sword and a stupid useless map! What kind of mission is that? I'll tell you - a freakin' suicide mission! Yeah, I accomplished it allright, but at what cost? At the cost of becoming a monstrous, inhuman Shoggoth that cant even die! And then there's the eviscerations, the dragon droppings, and worst of all, the clowns! The goddamn clowns! Clowns, clowns everywhere!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGHHH!!!"

Velus had finally had enough. He floated over and smacked Fred in the face so hard Fred's neck twisted 180 degrees and snapped back into place. "Ouch!" Fred stammered. "Why'd you do that for?"

"Because!" raged the Velus. "While you're here complaining about your little problems, the world is coming to an end! And just look at what's happening to Astra!"

Velus waved his hand, and a strange glowing mist appeared in front of them. In that mist they could see the image of a fair-skinned, flame-red haired young woman, stripped naked and chained to a wall.

"Astra!" Fred said. "How foolish I was! What are they planning to do to her?!"

"Nothing yet..." Velus said as the glowing mist and the image vanished. "But..."


Astra woke up. She seemed to be chained to a wall, and she was terribly groggy.

"Hey!!" she moaned softly. "This isn't funny, you clowns! Fred, Fred, are you there?! Fred?!"

Suddenly she realized she was naked, blushed bright-red and stopped yelling for Fred. Nonetheless, someone was approaching. Astra gritted her teeth and fought back panic as a burly clown guard entered the room.

"Feeding time!!" the clown growled and tossed a dish at Astra's feet. It was filled with some sort of large slimy insects that squirmed about, partially alive.

"What are you going to do with me?" Astra asked queasily.

"Relax, girl!" the clown grinned. "No one is going to harm you. In fact, you will be granted the greatest honor a being can have - becoming Bozo's wife!!"

"What?!"

"Oh yes! It is indeed an honor. How I wish he had chosen me instead! But be sure, you cannot marry him in your repulsive human state. First you must be Clownized. A horribly painful process that will erase your memories of your past life and probably kill you. But look on the bright side - 20% of Bozo's wives that survive their first night with him usually live long enough to bear their first child! So eat up. You'll need your strength."

"That's just great!" Astra said, oddly calm now. "Say, that stuff looks really tasty - but do you think you could push it just a little closer, so I could bend down to try it?"

"Sure!" chortled the clown and bent over to pick up the dish. That's when Astra leapt up to wrap her bare legs around his neck, and squeezed with all her might.

"AAAARGH!!!" the clown gurgled, turning cyanotic. Within minutes he weakened and Astra twisted her legs to snap his neck. His corpulent carcass crashed to the floor. She knew she had to hurry now. With the big toe of her right foot she reached for the keys strapped to the beast- clown's waist. She missed on the first few tries, and started to panic as the clown's body began to bubble up, signaling the inevitable. Finally she managed to hook the keys on her foot and kicked up athletically to catch them in her mouth. Now it was just a matter of manipulating them with her tongue to unlock her chains. The first and second keys did not work, and Astra began to despair. But then the third clicked and the chain fell open. Astra quickly undid the other chain and leapt behind a stalagmite as the clown's body exploded in a shower of blood and juicy clown chunks.

Astra felt ready to cry in terror. Where could Fred be? Was he a prisoner somewhere else... or had he been slain by the clowns? In any case, Astra knew her next objective was to find a weapon, and hopefully some clothes. Gripping the keys - which were heavy and could be used to bash or puncture in a pinch - Astra ran down the darkened corridor...


Deep within the horrific recesses of the Caves, in a particular cave scattered with the bones of giant wyrms and careless adventurers, stood Evil Fred. He was being infused with dark energy, but still looked vaguely human.

"Yes, yes, ha ha!!!" he laughed. "Soon we will be invincible!!!"

"Yes, indeed I will be invincible." said the Last Shoggoth's voice in his mind. "But what assurance can you provide me that the ceremony will not be interrupted?"

"Don't worry." said Evil Fred. "That whiny doo-gooder Fred and his foolish girlfriend will never get past my army of evil clowns! The Dark Clown Bozo and his lieutenants Shaggy2Dope and Violent Jay will slaughter those morons."

"I cannot risk my rebirth being interrupted because of the incompetence of evil clown minions. You will have to kill Fred yourself."

"But how? Don't I need to remain here to be Ultimately Shogged Out?"

"Do you? Behold."

Evil Fred screamed in agony as he felt his body being ripped in half. When it was over, he lay on the ground before the being that will now be known as... Evil Evil Fred!!!

"Go!!" said Evil Evil Fred "Destroy!"

"Yes, my liege!" Evil Fred said and disappeared into thin air.


"So, I have to save Astra!" Fred said. "Not a problem. I'll just use my Shoggoth power to teleport next to her and beat up all the evil clowns. Then I'll find that Bozo and scuff him up too!"

"There is one more thing you need to know, about using your Shaggoth power." said the Ghost of Velus. "Every time you use it, it drains a little bit of your remaining humanity. Use it too much or too long, and you will spaz out, go crazy and start killing people just like Evil Fred."

"No problem!" Fred said. "That will never happen, since I would just kill myself first! Now..."

  1. Fred uses Shoggoth Teleport to appear next to Astra.
  2. Fred decides to take the stairs instead.
  3. Before Fred can do anything, Evil Fred appears! And he looks mad!
  4. Fred spazzes out, goes crazy and starts killing people just like Evil Fred.

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Ryu

9/6/2003 4:50:15 PM

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