A Tasteless Episode to be Followed by a Parade of Other Equally Tasteless Episodes
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 23526
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Or make that masseur. He washed ashore one fine sunny day while everyone
had been gathered on
the beach at Bethany Bay building sand castles. His name was Belboz, his
skin was pale-green and he reeked of death. The pressures of being the
King's favorite massuer had finally overwhelmed him one day, he
explained, and he had slipped away from the royal palace and hitched a
cart-ride with some seal-clubbers on their way to the coast to ply their
ancient trade. "What happened next?" asked Fred, wide-eyed and innocently. "Well..." Belboz sighed dully, his joints creaking like an old wooden door on rusted hinges as he lowered himself into a resting position on the sand. He motioned for Fred to sit in his lap. The marooned nobleman giggled with delight and obediantly hopped into the loins of the weathered wretch. "I finally arrived in the coastal duchy," the massuese, I mean massuer, told them. "I clubbed a few seals, dug a few clams, humped a few beached whales, but all of it left me feeling empty inside. I almost wished I could return to the King's City to knead the freshly oiled folds of fatty skin that dangled so daintily from His Majesty's back, like a pastry chef kneading so much dough...""Ahem!" Astra coughed, trying to erase the mental image the newcomer had just branded into her brain. "We get the point, please continue the story. Leave out the graphic descriptions, if you could. Just give us the basics. We're simple island folk." "Yes, well, anyways...I lost my footing on some rocks one day while I was contemplating returning to my old life and fell into the ocean, to make a stupid story short. It's like, whoa! I got caught in a totally gnarly current, dudes, and drifted out to sea."Khrusti shook his head and studied the old man for a moment or two. "I thought you were the King's necromancer," he scoffed, giving a nod to the others as if to re-enforce the validity of his words. It didn't. Re- enforce the validity of his words, that is. His nod, you know. All he needed to do was make his point. Nodding was actually completely unecessary and a little uncalled for, even. Perhaps his one great weakness was also his one great strength; his physicality when it came to communication. Whether it be prop comedy or...something else. But I digress, he was quite up-to-date with the affairs of the Allarian court (one had to be in his profession); it's many characters and players and pawns, both major and minor, minor and major, dead or about to be, dubious and dubiouser, unbathed and unwashed, and so on and so forth and...such. Belboz studied his grimy, seemingly overgrown fingernails absent-mindedly as gulls and various other seabirds circled overhead, their cawing noticeably louder since his arrival. "Amoung other things, yes," he confessed. "But massage therapy is where my heart is. Necromancy just pays the bills.""Amazing!" Fred exclaimed, still enraptured with the smelly man's tale as he squirmed about on his lap. "How were you able to survive the elements!? Surely the sea should have overwhelmed you." "Actually," Belboz stopped mid-sentence and gingerly removed his left eyeball from it's socket with a great POP! Seawater, crabs, and a wide assortment of aquatic parasites spilled their way free from the confines of the man's head via the gaping hole, "It did." He fastened the eyeball back into it's socket, a smile slowly creeping accross his face as he did so. Oh wait, that wasn't a smile creeping accross his face, it was a worm. That's disturbing."Oh my," gasped Fred. Velus puked on a nearby turtle (not because of the spectacle on Belboz's face, but because he'd been eating poop again. Bad Velus!).Khrusti began doing a number about mother-in-laws on Holy Day (his way of coping with sickening crimes against nature, and well, anything) Astra just stared."Yup," Belboz persisted, undaunted, "I'm dead as dead. But it's all good, fools. I'm still in one piece..." A large gull broke away from the rowdy flock above and swept down upon the undead minion of absolute evil, greedily snatching up his left pinky with it's great beak before alighting itself on a nearby palm to enjoy it's snack in peace. "Well, mostly..." An uncomfortable silence followed, broken only by Velus lapping up the puddle of vomit on the poor turtle.Belboz shook his head dispassionantly. "I all of a sudden feel really...I don't know, like...an outsider, or something. I mean, c'mon, give a guy a chance. I'm just dead, okay? I mean, alright, I'm infested with flesh- eating parasites, does that make me less of a person?"Speaking in strictly physical terms, yes, mused a revolted Astra. "Well, you'll all be dead someday too ya know!" The zombie defended. "Yes, but will our animated corpses still haunt the mortal plane!?" Astra spat in response, backing away from the newcomer. "You're not welcome on this island, monster! Go back into the sea that should have been your grave!" "Now, now, Astra," Fred consoled the warrior princess. "Let's be open- minded. I mean, zombies have a really bad reputation, but only like 99% of the stuff said about them is true! I mean, they don't even eat brains unless explicitly instructed to do so by an overlord zombie-master...or if they're sort of hungry!" Belboz, a zombie-master-cum-zombie himself, nodded his agreement. "And there's no zombie-masters that I know of anywhere near here. Well, except for yours truly, but that doesn't count! And my stomach is too bloated with gases and parasites for me to want to munch on anyone's noggin. Let us create a new life -or in my case death - together on this wonderful island! What do you call it? Wondra? A beautiful name."Astra glared at Fred. "'Let's be open minded', you say," she sneered, bashing him in the head with a rock, utterly crushing his skull. She thought she saw Belboz drooling slightly as he gazed at the wound with eyes glazed over. Luckily, Fred completely recovered the next day. That's when everyone voted on whether or not Belboz should stay. After Fred sabotaged the election, the corrupt result indicated that:
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Ib - Im BAAAAAAAACK! MWUHAHAHAHA!
10/1/2003 6:52:58 PM
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