Illya and the “Noodle Incident” (Type Moon Edition)

My name is Illyasviel von Einzbern, Illya to my friends and my brother: Shirou. Though a homoculus (albeit one born through natural means vice being merely created in a magical lab) I was the Master of Servant Berserker, one of seven mystical warriors brought to the land of the living (as it were) to participate in . . .what can only be described as a secret death match who’s prize was (supposed) to be an unrestricted wish granted by an almighty magical artifact known as the Holy Grail (not to be confused with the cup of Jesus from Christian belief). That and provide a path for the mage/Master to the center of all Creation and access to VAST magical power and knowledge (thus the reason why the Grail and winning It through the Holy Grail War was so important to those mages who get tapped to participate).

Yes, as it turned out It turned out that the Grail had been corrupted and could/would only grant wishes through acts of destruction. Big acts! Like big as in “end of all human life on Earth” big, through the releasing of an evil . . .thing that had become trapped within the Grail (corrupting it in the process) which called itself Angra Mainyu, which I highly doubt even NOW is the real evil god from Zoroastrianism was bad enough (whoever or whatever he/she/or IT really was).

“Like how we’d like you to talk your Servant from coming at us again and trying to . . . .well,” the young seeming male angel before me coughs. “Murderize us and all that, huh?”

Wait, what?

The unexpected voice to my left makes my head snap to the left and the sight of the voice’s owner . . .leaves me staring at him. Staring and ignoring the strange pungent floating things that I realize must be some kind of smelling salts (why did whoever used them want to levitate them?). Staring and ignoring the fact that instead of being inside and in bed, I’m in the middle of downtown and in the middle of the street! Staring and ignoring the fact that despite the fact that the shadows from the Sun behind me saying that it’s early morning and the sun is just rising the LIGHT is off, somehow. Too red by far. WAY too red.

AAAAnd ignore that giggling (some of which sounds like Saber’s but one is too high pitched to be them). And that other little girls giggling (which sounds sooo familiar and makes me want to giggle along with it). Cannot do that right now, sorry.

And that low woman’s moaning of pain? Totally ignored!

No, I’m just . . .staring like a moron and ignoring everything around me.

”Uh. . .okay?” I finally manage to say, after blinking a few times in stupefied shock.

That wasn’t a dream? I actually was . . . No! First thing first before something bad happens here because I was stupid and keep staring at this-this angel (or Heroic Spirit from the feel I get off him).

. . .

What kind of warrior angel would have glowing brown wings, I wonder? Maybe he’s just one of the more unusual Heroic Spirits from the Throne of Heroes?

Uh, brown glowing winged angel or Hero or whatever. . .makes me stand back and take notice! Yes, Heroic Spirits do have a way of being larger than life and making even the most jaded magus stand back and take notice, so why didn’t I notice them before things went crazy when they got in it with Bezerker and me?

I DID remember that right BEFORE this-this winged knight/male angel/whatever and his friends appeared out of THING AIR that I had just ordered Bezerker to “Kill them all”.

Aaaannnd included the them in that order by mistake! No WONDER they took it rather “badly” to that, starting with that one young girl Heroic Spirit/angel with the purple hair having come screaming out of nowhere and doing that tackle/lift into the AIR and . . .

What exactly happened there, exactly? It’s all a . . .jumble.

No, for the Root I better just do it since if nothing else they do seem to have me in their claws (as it were ) right now, though their being nice about it. I will find out just why Shirou and that smart aleck Rin isn’t doing anything more than staring at all this. Why aren’t they at least trying to help? Looking at me like I’ve grown a second head or something when I talked about things they SHOULD know about easy enough! Unless, they’ve also been under whatever magick that seemed to have been forcing me to relive that the Fifth Grail War as well?

I gotta get to the bottom of this QUICK! Angels are rare but unlike what you might think, those in the know can find them rather violently impatient and harsh, unlike the peaceful singing ones found in certain religions, for the most part! Beserker (if he’s actually alive) could probably take them, but . . .let’s not be too hasty, right?

Not like we’re actually in the life or death struggle known as the Holy Grail War, right? No need for violence, right now anyway….

Reaching out, I use the connection that all Masters of Servants from the Grail War and feel Bezerker’s presence. Throwing off the unexpected shock of actually being able to contact Bezerker (being that Shirou my brother and HIS Servant HAD killed my Servant during the Grail War), I interrupt his frantic questions.

. . .

Which are coherent, like he’s not suffering from madness like all Servant Berserkers, except for ONE situation.

What in the HELL is going on here?! I can understand Berserker well enough when we communicate, but it’s nothing like this: coherent. At least, they are until like something like the moments before being whisked back to the Throne of Heroes after defeat. Her Servant had died at both her half brother’s and Servant Saber’s hands in the wood’s around her Estate.

. . .

My Servant must have been pulled BACK from the Throne of Heroes and into reenacting the Fifth Holy Grail War just like I found myself? Yes, that must be it!

However that is possible and I BETTER get some damn answers here damn quick!

Master where ARE you alright now?! Berserker asked, a note of almost panic in his mental voice. I had been fighting that golden haired Archer who’d invaded your home when he’d suddenly disappeared and the Other Servants suddenly show up out of thin air with you and your . . .twin sister in two, already in the process of kidnapping.

Images of the event he shares with me, causing me to blink in more than a little shock. See, I do NOT have a sister, much less a twin sister but Beserker’s shared memories showed me and somebody DRESSED like me, and LOOKING just like me.

Unconscious, and giggling away like we were having funny/wonderful dreams.

Kinda creepy considering we were giggling in synch, especially considering that the rather annoyed and frustrated looking blue haired angel warrior cast some kind of spell causing one of the large family statues to suddenly slam INTO Beserker violently. I mean not just magically thrown like what a normal mage could manage. No, such attacks would be useless against my Beserker. You would need a massive amount of relatively normal (mortal) magic or some kind of Noble Phantasm (and a powerful one at that) to even manage to budge him or break the skin of my Servant.

Whatever the blue haired angel did in her casting must have been epic, because it had outright KILLED Beserker with one blow while making a large explosive booming noise during it’s flight path through him.

Almost like that “sonic boom” thing I saw happening with those jet fighters in that war movie I watched while flying over to Japan, really…

. . .

That giggling again.

Almost against my will I find myself turning and looking down at the source, and I see . . .myself lying there.

But bad as that shock was, when I catch a glimpse of a larger female body with silvery hair . . . .

Medea

”MOMMY?!” the small girl shrieks in surprise after going even paler than what she already was before, naturally.

Sigh, that would explain perfectly why the elder homoculus had been so distraught when she had obviously spied us dragging around her child (one of them at least). While giving an artificial human being the ability to reproduce, it’s hardly unheard of magi doing such things back from where I hale from. I imagine it’s more wide spread nowadays, being that this city hales from an age coming well after Colchis’ founding.

…

I am SO glad that I had always been good to my created homoculus servants and upon my eyes being opened upon what the Gods and Goddess really wish for us human beings I was able to free them and instead hire them on as servants (vice slaves in all but name).

Shames me to think how I must have secretly humiliated the females homoculi in various frilly dressings and such, like life sized dolls. Artificial humans or not, they STILL are true human beings and should be treated as such: people!

Toys. That IS what I had viewed them as, as well as pets, but . . . I know better now and will make up for that when I can upon my return after my Quest is done, come what may here.

…

Gods, if Rei and her sisters had heard about that, considering that them being “clones” (another branch of artificial humans, albeit created through “science”) I know I would have died of embarrassment on the spot!

Hrmph.

”Perhaps after we arouse everyone here and such we should tell our side of things and the Quest thing,” I manage after pausing a bit when young Illya gets quiet another shock (poor girl) over not only having found her mother here and unconscious, but that her twin sister is here as well, by the looks of it. “That and we shall at least attempt if possible to answer any questions you might have!”

So, with more than a bit of confusion (and shouting) after everyone finally woke up (and showed up in the case of the one astralized Servant Beserker that at least ONE young homoculus female had a LOT of questions she’d like to ask), the Champions finally were able to get some semblance of order. Enough to perhaps give (and perhaps GET) some answers. Some of them (the blonde female Heroic Spirits that seem to call themselves “Saber”) seem to have more answers than they particularly care for, though the Champions had been to far away (and too polite to eavesdrop) to overhear. But from the look of things they aren’t happy with the situation, and none too happy with the Champions.

Why? In part it explained why it took so long to get something resembling order. Knowing who the “Sabers” actually were due to events that happened during the frantic retreat/fight with Beserker…

No, that’s for a bit later….

Aaand anyway! That took a bit more doing than one might expect, even given circumstances. The fact that the unconscious (artificial humans and friends) had been disarmed (and placed in the custody of one Shirou Emiya for safe keeping) more than galled some. Then again, people tend to be so much more REASONABLE and prone to listen to a body when they were unarmed!

Aaand, by the way, might be part of the reason why the Sabers were a bit miffed but that’s by the by.

So, with the group finally settled down a bit, it was Medea who started the show. After all, it was her Quest and she’d said (mentally to the other Champions) she’d like to do it.

1. Why not?

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