Reunited and it feels so good!
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 87700
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“Enguard!” came another of Fred’s valiant though more than slightly
cliched battle cries. He then defeated the annoying, screeching, racist
wraiths with some swipes, a couple chops, a few choice thrusts, and what
have you or whatever (nobody is reading this). There might have even been
a karate-kick or two. The enchanted sword really seemed to do the trick,
though. They were, after all, spirit wraiths and Fred’s enchanted
blade just happened to straddle both the physical and spiritual realms,
enabling him to fight them on his own terms. Because it was enchanted,
you see. The sword. It’s complicated. Well...not that complicated.
Spiritual, though. They’re fucking spirit wraiths, for fuck’s sake.
Well, really they’re just wraiths. The ‘spirit’ part is implied. A wraith
is a wraith. It’s like calling a dog a ‘dog dog’. It’s stupid. It was
stupid to ever even call them ‘spirit wraiths’ to begin with. They’re
wraiths. That simple. Okay? So let’s just drop the whole subject. As to
them being racist....well...all wraiths are racist. Little known fact –
but true! Moving on.... “Where could that filthy, wonderful little peasant be?” Fred wondered aloud in a very stupid fashion. Fred is stupid.Time elapsed. Corpses continued to rot under the relentless blood red sun. Vultures and other carrion birds circled said corpses from up on high, blotting out said sun. So why even mention the sun? Because. That’s why. Because. It should be mentioned. I feel it's mentionable. It sets the mood. Seriously, lay off, will ya! All these questions...sheesh And the remaining wraiths? Well...they continued to screech their racist remarks. And Fred? He found a living (though barely) wench. Sure, she was legless (this ARE the Plains of Dismemberment folks, and no they're not named that in an 'ironic' sense) and bleeding to death...fetching nonethless. They really hit it off! And Fred? He found a living (though just barely) wench. Sure, she was legless and bleeding to death...but fetching nonethless. She didn't even appear to have any leprosy at all! She seemed a healthy specimen. Those legs of her looked as if they had been chopped clean off! Anyway Fred and the wench really hit it off!Well, it should be mentioned that Fred still had a little grog and pipeweed which he used to speed the 'romance' along. So let's cut to the chase. They did their thing. Birds and the bees, you know. Afterwards, she wanted to talk. Theses COULD be her dying words. Lots and and lots of drying words. So narurally, Fred quietly slipped away from the mound of dead and mostly dead peasantry from which he had found her. She died shortly after (not from Fred’s defilement, but from her previous extensive injuries). And her soul? It was tortured for five thousand years, these being the cursed Plains of Dismemberment, you know. Now where was that pesky Sancho???? “Where is that pesky little clodhopper?” Fred wonders aloud once more, bringing things back to the present tense. “It isn’t like him to miss a rubdown. Confound it all, I say.”“Here I am....sire,” says an all too familiar voice from behind him. “SANCHO!” Fred rejoices, spinning around. “You silly squire, you! Where have you been?”“Well, to be honest,” says Sancho, “I was fully intent on leaving you to die on your own. Utterly alone. You are an idiot, a pervert, and a maniac...” Fred nods as his squire voices his condemnation. “Completely understandable,” he agrees, scratching his chin thoughtfully.“HOWEVER,” Sancho continues, “I have taken an oath to both king and country. So...” Fred’s ears (and several other body parts) perk in interest. “So?”Sancho sighs a sigh of utter despair that would chill the soul of any mortal. “So...I’m back. And I’ve got the ointment ready.” Fred claps his hands in pure delight and begins shedding his armor and undergarments. “Then let the rubdown commence!”
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3/13/2011 10:30:49 AM
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