Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Vodka James, and..."

What kind of name is that?!

"Excuse me? Thank you. Now, as I was saying, my name is Vodka James, I'm 35 years old, and I am still a virgin by choice..."

The gathered audience laughs loud and long. A few wads of paper are thrown at the stage. James passionately demands that the gathered people settle down and listen, and after five long minutes, they finally do.

"Thank you. As I was saying, I am still a virgin by choice. Why is that? Because I don't want to burden myself with the very idea of pre- marital sex. Really, exactly what does pre-marital sex accomplish? It doesn't accomplish anything! And I do not want the ordeal of gaining a reputation by sleeping with any loose woman before we're married. All it does is get people to talk about you, and that is not acceptable. People, listen to me! Everyone needs to get married before they have sex! Look at Scott! He slept with over three thousand women while single in a ten year period, and he is a person with questional moral character!!"

Josh Burbank walks onstage, still naked from the previous episode. He pushes Vodka James away from the microphone.

"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen...yes, I am well aware that I'm nude, thanks for noticing! Anyway, I've been asked to rebut Mr. Jack Daniel's comments about the dangers of pre-marital sex."
"My name is Vodka James!"
"Right. Anyway, everyone here needs to disregard what Mr. Absolut Vanilla is saying. He only speaks out not due to any moral or religious beliefs, but because he is simply bitter that he cannot get laid. I have several guests backstage...no, they're clothed, don't worry! Like I said, several of my guests are women who have been on dates with this Southern Comfort fellow, and they were all either creeped out by his lack of personality, or they prematurely ended the date after he misinterpreted a minor gesture as an invitation to go to bed with them."
"That is not true! Put some clothes on, right now! Marriage is a sacred institution. I believe in it wholeheartedly! Sex before marriage is bad! It's wrong! And I wouldn't know how to do it!"

While Vodka James rants incoherently much to the amusement of Josh Burbank, someone on one side of the auditorium finds the officially recognized world record holder for the smallest meteorite ever to survive entry into Earth's atmosphere. It was lost earlier in the day when the science exhibit shut down, but one audience member finds it. Having grown bored with Vodka James telling everyone how to run their sex lives, the man heaves the meteorite at him.

"...and furthermore, those women I went out with are WH--" Zonk!

Vodka James collapses to the stage, dead before he even hit the boards. Josh Burbank stifles laughter.

1. "So, should we have some of Crown Royal's former dates come out here and talk?" Josh asks.
2. Josh is arrested for nudity.
3. Skip Hitler runs out. Josh won't let him take the stage.
4. Something else.

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