Good News is Rock & Roll

Welcome to the slowest news day in the history of ever. Absolutely nothing happened. No inclement weather anywhere, or no natural disasters. Also, no one was born, died, got married, divorced, or did anything of notice.

In news bureaus across the globe, reporters, producers and writers all slowly go insane with boredom. Occasionally, something would flash on the wire, and up to a half dozen people would rush up to the machine in hopes of something newsworthy. Moments later, they would all retreat back to their seats, slumping down and feeling disappointed that the breaking news was something utterly mundane like "Dachshund makes baby laugh" or "Gas station runs out of No-Pest Strips".

Meanwhile, CNN experiences the lowest ratings in its history as the feature story with Sara yelling at the sky that included slightly embarrassed commentary from Jasper repeats every hour on the hour. Even Larry King found himself pre-empted that day. His scheduled guest was Jerry Lewis, who was finally willing to discuss his long-awaited and much- maligned holocaust movie The Day the Clown Cried.

1. By the end of the week, Sara has become an instant celebrity.
2. The next day, all hell breaks loose worldwide. The news industry is ecstatic.
3. During CNN's live coverage of Sara, she is struck by lightning.
4. For no reason whatsoever, we go back to the Staircase Room.

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