A Murderer He's Not! Well...Not Really. Maybe a Little.
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 80036
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The door is no match for Fred’s iron-shod boots, and he easily kicks it off
it’s rusted hinges. He finds the magistrate cowering behind a long neglected
potted shrub in the corner of the room. “Ah, very good,” says Fred, wiping a bit of gore off his shoulder. He takes a deep breath before continuing. “Now, as I was attempting to say before you started launching baseless accusations...” “What do you mean, ‘baseless’!” the magistrate bellows. “You just hacked my doorman to pieces you...murdering...murderer!”The knight’s face turns a rosy shade of red. “I would appreciate it if you quit calling me that!” The temerity of these townspeople knew no bounds! “But you just murdered my doorman! Technically, that makes you a murderer.”Fred pauses, scratching his chin thoughtfully. The peasant has a point. “Well...yes, I just dispatched your doorman. That’s the term we knights prefer to use. There’s no reason to use a vulgar word like ‘murder’, though. It’s...completely uncalled for. You do me a grave injustice, but I am in a forgiving mood today. Can we please just move this along. As I was saying...” And so Fred calmly relates the story to the horrified official; how the blacksmith technically smote him first, justifying the act of beating him into a severe coma. And more importantly, how his accent seemed forced and inconsistent - an act which could not be tolerated.. And furthermore, how rude the incompetent townspeople had been treating him ever since his arrival.“Is there going to be much paperwork?” Fred finally gets around to asking. “Also, where can a man go to get a bite to eat around here? I’m absolutely famished...I say...have you...have you gone and soiled yourself?” “Look, you psychopath!” the magistrate sputters between violent shiverings. “We are a peaceful lot around here. Just go. Please, leave us be! You’ve done enough damage for one day. Just LOOK at what you’ve done to the carpet. And do you know how hard it is to find a good doorman!?”Fred sighs. “I feel like we’re just going in circles. Here,” he says, placing a handful of coins on the table. “For your troubles. And...go clean yourself up, for goodness sake, man.” And he leaves the office without further ado. Outside, a small crowd has gathered to behold the carnage Fred inflicted on the hapless youth.“So sorry,” Fred addresses them. “Kids these days. Poor lad didn’t know when to mind his betters.” He begins to have misgivings, however. Perhaps he HAD gone a bit too far. He sometimes gets carried away. Still...it wasn’t murder. Not really. Okay, maybe it was. In a round about sort of way. Oh bother.“MURDERER!” shouts a toothless wench from the crowd. “MONSTER! You KILLED him!” chimes in another.“Boooo!” shout several others. And at that, they all begin to fling mud and feces at our poor, misunderstood Lord Fred. “Hmmm,” he ponders.
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8/14/2008 6:42:35 PM
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