No Place Like Home

Well, it was supposed to be rest.

"Well, that was," Fred lay back on the pillows, beaming beatifically, "exquisite." He placed two cigarettes in his mouth and lighting them with a han...convenient candle. What with the activities he'd just been involved in, "handy" was just plain bad taste.

"I never knew could be that way," said the woman beside him breathlessly, accepting the cigarette Fred passed her.

"Comes with being a dragonslayer, Highness," said Fred modestly. "Mind if I call you Katherine, milady?"

"Compared to Roderick...Wow," the Queen said, still stunned.

"So the rumors about the king's scepter...You mean Ol' Roddy's rod ain't..." Fred grinned. The Queen grinned as she turned to him, nodding once. Their eyes met and giggling, they sank back below the sheets.

They went at it like squirrels.

Did she have pigtails before? Hey...

"Oh, good! You're all right!" The girl jumped up and clapped her hands. Fred looked around at his surroundings. Belboz sat nearby, kicking at a small, exceptionally loud dog and muttering under his breath. Unfortunately, the queen was nowhere in sight.

"You must have been having the most dreadful dream!" squeaked the girl. "Thrashing about and moaning like that! You must feel simply awful!"

"Um...Yeah," said Fred uncertainly.

"Oh! Where are my manners?" she cried. "You must be ever so hungry! I'll go fix you some breakfast!" With that she trotted out the door, the little black dog trailing after, turning at the door for a brief growl at the magician.

"Oh gods," Lord Fred mumbled. "What the hell happened to me?"

"You got your ass kicked, is what happened," said Belboz. "Good morning, sunshine."

"What happened to you?"

"Hangover. Dwarfish grog."

"Yeah, well, be thankful at least you didn't get a steel-capped boot inserted in your rectum."

From the direction of the kitchen the battered remnants of a tune emerged. Soon, eleven drunken dwarfish voices joined in.

"You know," said Fred, " I really think her gene pool must be pretty shallow."

"Forget shallow, you could walk through it with a good pair of boots. Probably be safe with thick-soled sandals, really."

The girl swept in at his point, carrying a tray stacked high with hotcakes, hashbrowns, bacon, sausages, and eggs. "Breakfast!" she trilled cheerily, setting it down in front of Fred. "Eat up!" she urged. Both Fred and Belboz eagerly complied.

After completing his meal, Fred looked at his hostess. "Um, sorry, but I don't think I caught your name, there."

"Oh! How terribly rude of me!" she piped. "I'm Avery. Pleased to meet you again, Lord Fred! Oh, golly, how lucky can a girl get?" she giggled. "Meeting nobility, wow! In my own home!"

"Um, right," said Belboz. "So you're from around this area?"

"Why, yes!" she chirped. "I've lived here my whole life!"

"Ah. So, would you happen to know anything about the whereabouts of the dragon?"

"Dragon?" she looked puzzled.

"The one that's been terrorizing the whole damn countryside. It's--" She slapped the mage across the face.

"Aunty Anne said don't ever use that word." She scowled, and her little dog yapped angrily.

Belboz rubbed his face tenderly. "Right...I'll remember that..."

"Good. Now, what's that you want?"

"I could use a bath," asserted Fred, before Belboz could say any more."

"Certainly! It's over through that way," she pointed. Fred headed through the door, closing it. Soon sounds of splashing could be heard.

Belboz sat across from Avery. She scowled at him "Hi," he said, shifting uncomfortably in her glare. "Maybe, uh, I could talk to Aunty Em?" Maybe she could give him some realinformation, he thought.

"I guess," said Avery. "This way," she motioned, walking out the door.

1. Next Episode: The Psychotic Episode

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