The List

Astra shouted at the top of her lungs, "STOP RIGHT THERE!"

The reindeer slowed to a stop. Astra stiffened, and marched up to the man. She looked him in the eye, and said, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

"I am Santa Claus. I reward the nice boys and girls and punish the naughty ones. And I have you on the naughty list."

"Who told you that you could do that? And who decides who is naughty or nice?"

"Miss, it is enough for you to know that my authority comes from tradition, and you should not question it. As far as the metrics for how the naughty and nice lists are determined, they are proprietary and confidential information. However, I shall give you a hint. Your dress is, shall we say, somewhat immodest."

Astra's face flushed. She scowled, and said, through clenched teeth, "It is NOT like I have had a choice. Somebody keeps removing my clothing on the flimsiest of pretexts. I SHOULD get bonus points for taking this abuse. Check your damned list again!"

Santa looked through one of his lists, went "Hmmph," and then started at the top. By now Astra was sneezing due to an allergy to reindeer fur.

Santa then put down the 'naughty' list and picked up the 'nice' list. He stopped, said, "Hmmph," and then muttered "crappy QA. I told them to check it twice. If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself." He then spoke directly to Astra, and said, "Sorry about this, Miss. I thought that you were someone else. That Joey bloke is definitely on the naughty list, though. Where did he go?"

Astra and Santa looked around, shrugged their shoulders, and then Santa continued, "It does not matter. I will find him. With the price of fuel, lumps of coal are actually a reward now. So I reward the naughty by firing rocket launchers at them. People like fireworks shows. But since you are on the 'nice' list, I will not fire rockets at you. And what do you want, for Christmas, little girl?"

Astra sneezed, and shouted, "SOME DAMNED CLOTHES. AND SOME PEACE AND QUIET. AND GET YOUR REINDEER OUT OF HERE - they are making me sick."

"Santa rummaged around the bottom of his pack, and said, "Ah! Here is is! A coat, dress, hat, gloves, belt, stockings, and fur-lined boots made from the fur and hide of the Galanese white squirrel."

Astra said, "I hope that I am not allergic to the Galanese white squirrel. It would be just like the powers-that-be to do that to me."

As Astra dressed, Santa said, "No, Astra. I am sure that you are not allergic. You wish for clothes, and for a respite from senseless violence. And so your wishes will be granted."

Astra felt the lining of her stockings as she slipped into them. She said, with the edge draining out of her voice, "These are soft. They feel nice and warm, as a matter of fact. No secret rashes."

Santa replied, "Indeed. It is a gift that cannot be warped by Mischevious Author of the East."

"The Mischevious Author of the East?"

"Yes. The Mischevious Author of the East is not evil, but does like to stir things up by placing young ladies in odd situations, clothing- wise. He operates on an established principle of concise story-telling - that if a woman's dress is described in the first act, it ideally should come off in the third."

"Wasn't that from Checkov?" asked Astra.

"I think that it was Russ Meyer. But I get the great contempary arists confused. It could have been Checkov."

By now, Astra had the squirrel-fur wardrobe on. "And so I am going to get a little bit of peace, to have my nerves recover?"

Santa said, "Yes. For an episode, at least."

Astra said, "That is as good as I can ask for. So is it the wicked, er... mischevious author of the East again."

Santa replied, "Oh, no. The odd bits of violence and mayhem comes from the Mischevious Author of the West, who likes to make things explode, and bring ninjas, pirates, or other notoriously violent characters anachronistically into the general mileu of the story."

Astra felt disoriented, and her head swam a bit. It may have been the reindeer fur, or it may have been the gibberish that Santa was saying. She replied, "Fine. Just so long as I am protected from it."

Santa said, "Oh, you are! The Galanese White Squirrel is magical! You don't know how hard to it is to capture one of them! You see, its fur turns invisible whenever it is threatened. So you can relax, knowing that your wardrobe is safe."

Astra thought about the logical consequences of this. She asked a question - "So, like the squirrel, I will become invisible if I am threatened?"

Santa replied, "Not quite. You are not made of squirrel-stuff. Your wardrobe will certainly become invisible, though."

Astra sneezed, and then stared at Santa, unable to say anything as he made a tick mark against a name on the 'nice' list.

Santa continued, "Of course, your companions, when they return, should keep an eye on you. That way someone will always be alerted at the moment a threat surfaces."

Astra's jaw dropped a bit. Her eyes glistened, and she said, "I didn't think that you would sell out like that."

Santa replied, "Don't worry, Astra. Your clothes will still be there, and as an Amazonian warrior princess, you should be able to kill or chase away the threat, and your squirrel-fur will be back to normal. It doesn't even need cleaning. And once you get back home, you can wear something under the fur if you are worried about exposure."

Astra replied, "Well, I guess I am better off than I was before."

Santa then handed her a few hard capsules of some substance, and checked off another name on the 'nice' list.

Astra was able to read. "Are these seeds of some sort, Santa? They look like palm seeds."

Santa said, "Ah, yes, the na-palm tree. If you see Joey, heat one up a little and throw it at him quickly. Very quickly. It operates on the same principle as popcorn. Kind of. Anyway, I have to go. Merry Christmas!"

And Santa and his reindeer launched, and Astra was left with the magical fur clothing and Santa's little napalm bombs.

1. And Astra gets her wish, and the next episode is peaceful and non-threatening.
2. The squirrel-fur outfit does its job and successfully detects a threat.

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