When Quests Collide

"No! I trry and I trry, but I cannot even zhay my o' name!" she hollered at him. "Eezotica! Eezotica! You zee! Now find me a bucket!"

Fred sighed and sat down on a rock. What were they going to do now? Exotica's strange accent wasn't much of a problem really, but her compulsion to clean everything could very well land them in some very hot water. And not the soapy kind.

Fred's pondering was suddenly interrupted when a shadow crossed his face. He looked up and was startled to see a strange woman. He jumped to his feet and pulled out his sword. "Who are you!" he demanded. The woman stared at him, her hands on her hips. "Could you please put your pointy stick away," she said, "you're making me nervous." Exotica, who had been dusting the far wall of the passage, turned around and nearly jumped for joy. "O! I cannot believe my eyez!" the princess shouted, clapping her hands together. Fred looked over at the prancing princess and demanded she tell her who the stranger was. "Eet iz my magical frriend and teacherr, Elvirra, Miztrezz of zhe Dark!"

"Some teacher," Fred mumbled.

"I heard that!" Elvira said crossly.

"Whatever, now why don't you tell me how you just happen to be down here," Fred said.

"I am on a quest," she answered proudly.

"What kind of-- wait, don't tell me. You're here to slay the Dragon," Fred said almost mockingly.

"Hell no!" she said. "Do I look like a masochist to you?"

Fred looked her up and down. He couldn't tell what she was supposed to look like. She wore a very long, slinky black dress. Her face had a little too much makeup. And she had the biggest hair Fred had ever seen. The top seemed to rise from her head for two feet, like a... a really big wig. And it fell down to the back of her knees, like a... well, like a really big wig. "Is that your real hair?" he asked her. "Hmph!" she snorted at him and turned away insulted.

"O' Miztrezz of zhe Dark," Exotica said running up to her. "I zheem to 'ave made a, 'ow do you zhay... boo-boo." Elvira nodded compassionately and put her arm around her distraught pupil. "Hey kid, we all make mistakes. Why there was this guy once in Cogan, but that's a story for another time. For now let me help you get rid of that frog accent." Elvira raised her arms, twiddled her fingers and whispered something that kinda sorta sounded like 'I'm coocoo for cocoa puffs', but ofcourse that couldn't be what she had said since we all know that magical spells only work if they're spoken in latin or somesuch and not old breakfast cereal jingles.

Instantly Exotica found herself dressed in adventuring slacks and a leopard skin blazer. She also had her normal voice back. "Oh thank you, thank you!" Exotica squealed like a little girl and hugged her magical tutor. Fred waited for Exotica to calm down and then thanked Elvira too. But he still wanted to know what she was doing down here.

"I'm on a Quest to find my doggie," she told them. "Little Eddie had been 'borrowed' by a jerk I used to date. The numskull claimed Eddie was his. Well, one day my ex-boyfriend became ex period. He disappeared. I didn't really mind, but he took Eddie with him. Now I find out that he was kidnapped by the Dragon and is working in the slag pits of the Lava Men. But little Eddie is still missing, running around somewhere down here all alone. I've got to find him!"

And from the look on her face, she obviously wanted Fred to help her. And Exotica was on her side. The princess was smiling much too sweetly at the knight, her hands clenched together helplessly. Exotica knew that a knight's duty demanded that he help a woman in need. But Fred shook his head and said, "I am here to kill the Dragon and then save Princess Exotica and the nine other enchanted maidens held captive against their will. I am NOT going to search for a puppy dog."

1. Neither of the women liked his answer.

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