Sage advice

"..." said the tree.

Lord Fred jumped back and stared at it. "Really? You think that would be a wise course of action?"

"..." said the tree, making no motion whatsoever.

"I you say so," Lord Fred mused. "It certainly would be a bold move."

"..." said the tree.

Unbeknownst to Lord Fred (and the reader this far) the interior of the hollow tree was really an elevator shaft and observation tower for the secret underground base of some obscure government agency. Suddenly a dozen of men dressed conspicuously in black burst out the other side of the trunk and ran around to where Lord Fred was standing. They then proceeded to

1. arrest him for drawing attention to the tree. (Not that there was anyone else for miles around, it was the principle of it.)
2. spank him for never writing home. (Turns out their leader is his mother.)
3. demand cheezeburgerz.
4. chant "One of us! One of us!" (Apparently he had accidentally spoken their secret password.)
5. pants him and laugh scornfully.
6. give him and shave and a haircut. (Two bits!)

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