Josh and Bill Murray Share Some Quality Time
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 54007
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"Murray here," comes the fashionably tired voice of the Hollywood
actor/comedian through the phone. The sound of the sea is clearly audible
behind him, along with the haunting cry of some distant seagulls. Josh clears his throat and then jumps right into it. "Hey, Bill! It's me, Josh! What the Hell was UP with 'Lost in Translation', man!? I mean...DAMN! Anyway, I've got all kinds of problems in my life right now, and I don't know where to turn. What's new, I know. I know. But somehow my life is just always one big downward spiral -- spiraling like that damn staircase in the damn room with that damn asshole I live with. The involuntary elbow spasms are back and I fear the rash on my butt is NEVER going to go away. Did Uncle Billy make me like this? It all started to come to a head after I killed Seinfeld. I mean, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking..." "Uh," Murray cuts in, "do I know you?"Josh is mildly affronted. He snorts in mock indignance. "'Do you know me'?" he lashes back snidely. "Of course you know me! It's me, your good friend Josh!" "Oh wait, I think I do remember you," Murray remarks with a wry snicker.Josh feels pleased for a fleeting moment. "You're one of those creeps that's always calling me up from out of nowhere, asking for menial advice to help you get through your pathetic lives. I thought I had a Federal restraining order put out on you assholes! What's the other guy's name...Scott, is it? Look, you two have got some serious issues that you need to iron out with the help of PROFESSIONALS. I don't got time for this..."Josh is fuming now. "OH, IS THAT SO!?" he starts spewing angrily. "Well screw you, Bill! I see how you remembered Scott's name but you couldn't even recognize my voice! I see how it is! EVERYONE loves Scott more. He's so much more interesting and charming. Well let me tell you something, Mr Bigshot -- that asshole Scott is EVIL. He's pure evil. He may trick you with that masquerade he's always putting on in public. His charm and his magical ways. Ya, he's a slick one, that Scott. But let me tell you something, Mr. Hollywood, when he comes home the mask comes off...and when it does God help you, cause that's when his demons run free through his tortured mind..." Murray is speechless for several tense moments. "Whoa," he finally sputters. "I'm sorry, man. I didn't know you were this far gone. Look, the only reason I remembered Scott's name is because I think he's been calling me for longer. I don't like EITHER of you. In fact, I dislike you both equally. Okay?"Josh breaks down into a fit of tears. "Thank you, Bill," he gushes with emotion. "You always know just what to say." Murray lets out a brittle chuckle. "Uh...ya. Anytime there...pal. So this is where I hang up the phone and you never call me again or I'll have you arrested for harassment, mmmk? Thanks! Toodles!"CLICK! "Okay, Bill," Josh continues raving even after Bill has hung up. "I'll call you tomorrow. Maybe we can do lunch sometime? Cool. Best buds forever, right? And you'll never talk to Scott again, right? Awesome! I love you, Bill. Bye."
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11/28/2005 8:09:36 AM
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