I Sit Down When I Pee : The Josh Burbank Story - With Inspirational Insights by Freddy Krueger
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 53881
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Josh accepts the beer and proposes a toast. “To alcohol in the morning!”
Krueger raises his bottle in hearty agreement. “To alcohol in the morning, and murder at midnight!” “Here! Here!”And they both begin chugging. “So, Freddy,” Josh says after a few moments of silent alcohol consumption. “Lookin good. Lookin spry...lookin buff. Lookin...lookin...bufffff. Ffffff! Fffffffff!” Freddy eyes Josh warily. “I think you’ve been spending a little too much time cooped up with that Scott character,” he finally comments.“Ffff. He does...things to me,” Josh says in an abrasive whisper. The murderer then pats him on the back with uncharacteristic sympathy. “You know, I may butcher innocents in their nightmares,” he says. “But I would never in a thousand years wish my worst enemy a fate such as yours.”Josh’s cheeks turn a rosy shade of red. “Awww, shucks, Freddy. I didn’t know anyone even knew I existed, let alone cared about me. I bet you deliver that line to ALL the girls! Ffff.” “We’ve got to get you some help.”Josh casts worried glances about like a frightened rodent. “FFFFFFFFFF!” A few days later... “I think we’ve made some real progress here.” Josh can’t help but agree. At the behest of Freddy, he had been placed under the care of one of the best psychiatrists in New Jersey - Dr. Jennifer Melfi. The same Dr. Melfi that used to treat the infamous gumba, Tony Soprano. He lays back in his chair and takes a deep breath of the sterile, conditioned air. “I feel like a new man,” he declares, sitting up in his seat. He locks the Doctor in his penetrating eyes, a warm smile capering across his face. “And I have you to thank.”The doctor blushes. “You give me too much credit,” she says meekly. “You had it in you all along, don’t you see? Beneath that frail, girly, emotional exterior there is a real man that’s been laying dormant. There’s a real strength and fortitude. And, most importantly, there is a kind and giving soul. That is the real Josh Burbank.” “Don’t sell yourself short, Doctor,” he says with equal humility. “What you say may be true, but if it wasn’t for you and Freddy I would have never been able to break free from the cycle of insanity that gripped me for so many years. The xanax has helped, too....I think.”Melfi nods. “The xanax has definitely helped. Anyway, you know what you must do now.” Josh sighs and lays back in his chair. “I’ve got to confront Scott.”“And you’ve got to do it soon. Only then will your training be complete. Only then will you be a Jedi!” This, however, is easier said than done.Back in the Staircase Room, a few days later... Scott is in typical form, sprawled out like Jabba the Hut on one of the many teal sofas lining the room. He gobbles up another handful of food supplies and chuckles at the tele. So engrossed is he in his daytime Soaps that he has failed to notice another figure has joined him in the room. “We need to talk.”Scott, for half a millisecond, diverts his gaze from the hypno-box and acknowledges the presence of a nuisance with a loud belch...then goes back to watching his daytime drama. “I’m serious,” the figure says with resolve...resolve Scott isn’t used to. In fact, this nuisance has so much resolve that they actually yank up the remote and turn off the t.v.! The fucking audacity!“Burbank!?” Scott exclaims, reeling. “What the Hell, man! Turn it back on! Don’t make me get up!” “Not today, Scott. Not today.”??? “What the Hell has gotten into you, dude!? Look, there’s something shiny over there...go spend a couple hours staring at it. I swear, you are so fucking annoying sometimes.”But Josh just stands there like a pillar. An annoying, unwanted pillar. “Not today, Scott. We need to talk.” “Great,” Scott drones. “Is this about the other night? The sex was consensual, Josh, remember? It was opposite day. ‘No’ meant ‘yes’. Do we really need to go over this again? Now be a good boy and give me the remote. This isn’t funny. Don’t make me do something I won’t regret.”“It’s not just about the other night,” Josh says cooly, taking a seat next to his hetero life partner. “The other night was just a symptom of a far greater sickness. I’ve finally gotten back in touch with my feelings, Scott. For years now you’ve been treating me like a doormat and sex object. For days at a time you ignore me, then when a sudden impulse grips you, you ravage me and leave me for dead. This isn’t healthy Scott. Not for me, not for you. It’s not entirely your fault. We live smack dab in the heart of a chaos nexus, after all. Still, it isn’t an excuse either...” ZzzzZzzzz The son of a bitch is SLEEPING! He awakens suddenly, startled. “Whoa...huh...? Oh. Josh. You.” He yanks the remote from his hands and presses the power button. “Be a good boy and fetch me a slurpee, huh? And make it quick.”Josh feels the all too familiar surge of emotion building in him, the urge to roll around on the floor and cry, the urge to rub his nipples. He reaches into his jeans and pulls out an orange bottle, then proceeds to pop a handful of blue pills. “It’s okay,” he assures himself. “Milfi told me this wouldn’t be easy. Stay strong, Josh. Stay strong.” Scott chuckles and shovels another handful of food supplies down his throat. He looks back over at Josh and scowls. “You're still here!? Slurpee, Josh! Chop chop!”
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4/19/2008 10:29:33 AM
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