Have You Ever Seen a Grown Man Naked?

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 47642

Lots answers the phone with that tired old “Speak to me” line of his, trying to sound cool.

“It’s Josh here. I finally did it,” he confesses. “I finally killed him.”

“Mmm,” Lots replies disinterestedly. “That’s nice.”

“Actually I killed that other dude from up on Rundgren street too,” Josh continues babbling inanely. “There’s so much blood. It’s everywhere! If I don’t act quick it might stain my shoes! What should I do, Lots!? What should I do!?”

There’s a brief moment of silence on the other end of the line before Lots responds. “I’m sorry,” he lies. “I had to check on my pizza in the oven. I think I might have burnt it. Stupid directions said to preheat the oven to 350 and let the pizza cook for 30 minutes. But somehow I missed the part about taking it out of the box first. Anyway, so what were you ranting about?”

“Blood,” comes Josh’s reply. “So much blood.”

“Cool. Well, listen, it’s been good talking to you but I better go grab a fire extinguisher or something cause like half the kitchen’s on fire. Later.”

Click

Josh pulls out a substantial chunk of his hair and screams in horror. “GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE!!?”

“You put an end to all of that God-awful racket,”God answers his lowly servant with a voice of pure thunder. “I usually don’t endorse murder, but in this case you were justified. I could hear their obnoxious drumming half way across the universe!”

But the Lord on High’s remarks don’t seem to calm Josh down. “Oh Lord Jesus, but what about the blood!? So much blood! It’s almost reached me now! It’s going to stain my shoes! Oh God! God, help me!”

“Um, have you tried just stepping out of the way?” God offers.

“YES! That’s IT!” Josh rejoices. “Oh, thank you, Lord! Thank you so much! I swear, I’ll go to church this Sunday and I’ll even stay awake!”

That Sunday...

Josh lays sprawled out on a teal couch watching some morning cartoons when he remembers his promise to the Lord. “Oh, man,” he mutters. “I can’t believe I vowed to go to church. I don’t want to walk all the way across the room to the Staircase Room Chapel.” (Bishop Cahail presiding)

He finally comes to a decision...

  1. Bite the bullet and go to church.
  2. Load some bullets into his gun and go on another shooting rampage.

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12/13/2004 10:01:35 AM

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