In an Ivory Tower suspended in the sky, in a massive ornate chamber of
turquoise marble decorated with statues of Celestrials, two beings sat in
great reclining chairs.
One was a rosy-skinned, green-eyed young girl who sat with her hands folded nervously in her lap. Her small, but perfectly spherical breasts bulged prominently through a nearly transparent sapphire nightgown. Light- yellow hair streamed all the way down to her bare feet.
The other was a rotund, chubby cheeked old man with an extremely red nose. Thinning gray hair contrasted well with his monocle and filthy bathrobe.
"Good news, Lina." the oldster yawned magnanimously. "The world is about to end."
"But... why is that good news, Uncle?" Lina said in a soft, musical voice. She tried to picture the world ending - the Tower crumbling into the clouds beneath, the skies turning blood-red and then black until everything exploded into a massive screaming orgasm of agonized obliteration. She shivered.
"It is if you look at the big picture." the Uncle burped, scratching himself. "We have been living here for nigh a trillion years, the priviledged bastard race of a horndog Celestrial and some Philipino floozy. We're damn near immortal, but we die of sheer ennui. The Tower is in disrepair - the plumbing is all screwed up, and the lower floors are a veritable waterworld of sewage. I'm sick of this. Recent reports indicate Dark Force will be here in less than 24 hours, and I for one will welcome it with open arms."
"That's horrible, Uncle!" Lina cried. "No matter how bad things get, there's always something to live for - music and dance and flowers and puppies and cute little babies and sunshine..."
"Yeah, yeah, all that piddling crap I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole." the Uncle sighed. "Whiskey - that's my reason for living. I've got a case of it stashed in the Prayatorium, and when the Big One comes me and the other Elders are gonna be too shitfaced to care."
"Isn't there something we can do, Uncle?!" Lina cried. Suddenly she was afraid of death, of that cold, dark gibbering unknown. She had hardly lived at all, had seen and experienced so little. "Couldn't we evacuate the Tower - go to another dimension, find a new home?"
"Nah, too much fucking work. Think of me what you will, Lina, but I'm done. Finished. And if I'm there at the Judgement, and the Archangel has some kind of problem with me, he'll get two middle fingers firmly extended to tell him where to shove it."
Lina closed her eyes. She was trembling. "You're monstrous, Uncle. Why did you summon me here? To laugh at me?"
"Well..." the Uncle said. "There is still the little matter of Alternia 8- Z's obligation to the state of the Multiverse, as outlined in various quid pro quo contracts blah blah blah blah blah, that gave us this nifty little Tower. You see, we were assigned the guardians of a sort of Superweapon designed just for situations like this."
When Lina opened her eyes, the Uncle was holding out a large, wicked- looking black handgun. "Here. Take it."
Lina took the weapon in both hands. "What... what is..."
"It's a gun powerful enough to kill Dark Force in one shot. Just shoot the fucker in the head, and it'll stop moving, sure enough. Real useful."
"So we could use it against Dark Force now!" Lina exclaimed.
"Um... no." the Uncle said. "You see, one of its component parts was given to someone else for safekeeping - I have no idea what that could be though. And another component I pawned for extra whore money - so there's no telling where it could be now. So your obligation is to find those two parts, reassemble the damn gun, and shoot Dark Force in the head. Simple, right?"
"I couldn't Uncle!" Lina cried. "Shoot someone I don't even know in the head? That would be so impolite!"
She froze, realizing the contradiction in her words. Would it then be polite to shoot someone she did know? She continued "Anyway, I have no combat training! I'm only 420 years old - I am but a child! Shouldn't such a mission be given to one of the warriors?"
"Well..." the Uncle coughed. "Therein lies the game. For you see, the Weapon can only be wielded by a virgin. And you, Lina, are the only virgin remaining on all of Alternia."
"Yes, I know its my fault." the Uncle said. "Perhaps 33% of it is my fault, on both ends of the gender spectrum. God, what fun it was though! Anyway Lina, you understand your mission, right?"
"But nothing. You leave immediately. The sooner you go, the less chance that Dark Force will be able to track you down. Got it?"
"Yes, Uncle. But still..."
"Farewell, Lina. May the Great Will of the Macrocosm protect you. And know that I'll always be sorry about what happened to your mother."
"Wait, Uncle!" Lina cried, but it was too late. With a wave of the old man's hand the world was spinning around her, as she was teleported somewhere else...
8/22/2004 3:22:29 AM
The Never Ending Quest Home
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