Amy Has Had It Up To Here With This Crap, or, Does A Bear S*** In The Cave?

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 42484

As Amy set about making her porridge, a big fat bear which had managed to escape the velociraptor walked into the room. Amy froze in fear. "O-ho-ho!" said the bear. "Look what we have here! You'll make a fine dinner, with a little fattening up!"

Unfortunately for the bear, this statement gave Amy a sense of deja vu and the fear induced by it jogged her mind. She remembered all of her past reincarnations. Under other circumstances, she might have achieved enlightenment and made the world a better place, but this time, she mainly remembered how frequently she'd been eaten. "No!" she shouted, drawing on all her reserves of courage. "I've been eaten too many times. It's getting a little icky and repetitive. I'm not going to stand for this! And anyway, bears can't talk."

"But you're such a tasty morsel!" said the bear. He was leering at her in a disturbingly almost-sexual way. "And I can talk, and it's making me hungry!" Amy wondered what she could possibly do to make herself less appetizing to the bear. This wasn't the kind of male attention she wanted. Then she realized that something stank horribly in the room and wondered what it was.

Now, while this bear was apparently intelligent enough to talk and make porridge, the invention of toiliets had still eluded it. There was an enormous pile of bear crap in the corner. This gave Amy an inspiration. Just as the bear was about to pounce on her, Amy dived into the pile of crap and rubbed it into her. The stench was horrible and seemed almost worse than getting eaten by a bear, but Amy perservered even though she knew that somewhere some reader was probably getting off to this. "Yuck! I'm not eating that!" said the bear. He shambled out of the room.

Amy was feeling horribly humiliated and starting to wonder whether it wasn't a better idea to just die and be reincarnated again, but then she saw a sword lying in the corner of the room. Probably the bear had stolen it from some previous unlucky adventurer. With an actual weapon she might actually stand a chance of killing the dragon! First, after picking up the sword, she walked up to where the bear had gone to sleep and slew it. (Although since she didn't really know how to use a sword it took quite a while and she ended up getting bear blood all over her.) Now she was ready to become a Dragonslayer, even if she would desparately need a bath once she was done!

  1. Amy goes off to slay the dragon, who by the way does NOT eat her.
  2. Unfortunately, Amy contracts a horrible disease from the bear crap and dies again. At leat it wasn't being eaten this time.
  3. Amy has a memory of her life in Atlantis, sparking a horribly convoluted plot thread.

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8/25/2004 6:49:03 AM

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