Lots the Thug
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 42389
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“Thank you for the thoughtful gesture,” you reply. “But it’s not my
birthday.” Lots42 seems crushed. “Then what the hell am I going to do with this cake I baked especially for you!?” “Cake? You didn’t mention that there was a cake involved. I guess we can pretend it’s my birthday, if it’s all the same to you.”“Fine with me. I’ll pretend I’m not going to kick your ass, then. And it’d be an awful shame to waste these party favors I bought yesterday.” “Party favors? What kind of party favors?”“An ounce of weed and three pills of ecstacy, of course,” Lots says offhandedly. “And look...” he displays the pills to both you and Astra. “...they’re the kind with the little green clovers.” “Oooh, green clovers,” Astra drools. “I love those ones.”But before the party can get underway, three Story Cops intervene. “Oh give me a break,” Lots grumbles. “What are you guys, the friggin DEA? We’re just trying to have a good time! Besides, these aren’t even mine. I’m just holding them for a friend.”One of the cops relieves Lots of his illegal burden and puts the evidence in a little plastic baggie. “And that friend would be...?” He points an accusatory finger at you.“Hey, jerk, those aren’t mine!” you argue. “I’ve never even seen this guy before a few minutes ago! Right, princess?” Astra wisely keeps her mouth shut.Fred runs by again, with the chipmunks still in hot pursuit. Lots uses this distraction to his advantage, karate chopping one of the officers in the back of the neck. The man hits the ground, unconscious. Taking Lot’s lead, you throw your torch aside and tackle the other cop, pummeling him with your fists. His face is soon a bloody pulp. “Okay, now we’ve got to finish the job,” Lots says, revealing a 9 mm he had tucked away in his pants.“No! Don’t do it!” you protest. “Oh, so you’re switching sides, huh!?” the obvious lifelong criminal rages, brandishing the firearm inches from your face. “You want to meet the same fate as these pigs!?”You gulp. “No. It’s just that...” “Then help me hogtie these donut-eaters so I can execute them like the cold-hearted thug that I am.”You turn to Astra, a pleading look in your eyes. Astra traces little happy faces in the ground with her toes. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she tells you. “This is your mess.”“And since we’re all revealing our true colors at the moment, I might as well tell you that the ‘42' in my name actually stands for the number of felonies I’ve been convicted of,” Lots confides with an evil smirk. “Now take this rope and tie these assholes up!” “Oh God! Oh God what’s happening!?” you reel, stumbling to the ground. “I’m not a criminal!”Lots starts cackling. “You weren’t a criminal, past tense, buddy. You’re in this now, whether you like it or not!” “We can’t murder them, Lots! We just can’t do it! Please, man! I mean, it’s my birthday, right? Well the birthday boy’s one wish is that we don’t go through with this.”Lots rolls his eyes. “Fine,” he indulges you. “Since Mr. Wussy Boy here doesn’t want me to off these scumbags, then I wont. We’re still tying them up, though.” “Oh thank you, Lots!” you sob, giving him a big bear hug. “Thank you!”Lots shoves you away and hands you some rope. “Alright, alright. Just shut up and get to work.” Well, after that’s done Lots insists on continuing on with the party as if nothing had happened at all, but you will have none of it. Lots declares that’s just fine with him, and starts making out with Astra while you sulk over in a corner.How come the jerks always get the girl!? you wonder.
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Lost Soldier
5/26/2004 7:41:56 PM
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