Deja Chest

The Never Ending Quest - Episode 42230

Lord Fred followed the little kitty down the shadowy cave tunnels, an idiotic grin on his face. Alma followed behind him closely, looking warily around her. She was rather wishing she had a weapon of her own now, not the least because she very much wanted to stab Fred with it.

Eventually, the cat entered a small cavern that was shaped like an A. At the top point was... a litter box. The grey and white tabby gave Fred a dirty look as he went about his business. "Huh," said Fred. "I could have sworn he would lead me to something important this time. I mean, you know..."

"No, I don't. Why on Earth would you want to follow that thing around?"

"Well..." Fred was at somewhat of a loss. "Cats know stuff, you know?"

"Fred, that animal's brain is the size of... well, it's even smaller than yours."

"Well excuuuse me, princess..."

"I'm not a princess," said Alma. "Just because I'm a naked woman who's chained to something, you assume I'm a princess. Typical. I wasn't even chained to a wall..."

"Well, excuuuse me, princess..."

"You are an idiot. A complete and utter idiot."

"Well, if I hadn't followed that cat, you'd still be chained to the chest, wouldn't you?" Fred puffed up with pride at the irrefutable logic.

"How would that be worse than being with you?"

"You think so, huh? Well maybe the fact you're so hostile toward me really means you feel irresistable sexual desire for me! So there!"

Alma rolled her eyes. "Or maybe it just means you're an idiot. An idiot who reads too many bad romance scrolls."

"The ladies say I'm pretty well hung," said Fred, leering at Alma.

"Well, so are horses, and they're more intelligent."

"Come on, Alma. You know you want me to take off my armor and make mad passionate love to you right now on the cave floor. You're just fooling yourself."

"You're the one who's fooling yourself. Why would I be attracted to a man who's so utterly repellent and without any redeeming features?"

"I'm just written that way."

"Well, that doesn't make you any less repellent. You can't even maintain a coherent train of thought!"

"Sure I ca--hey, wait, that cat is going over there! Let's follow him!"

Alma rolled her eyes, but followed Fred anyway. When all was said and done, he was the one with the sword. When he would inevitably die due to his own stupidity, Alma would take his sword and kill the Dragon herself. She hoped the next author would crush the idiot under a boulder quickly.

The enigmatic feline led them to a ramp thirty feet wide. Various pillars blocked their view. The cat snaked around but still headed straight up. After half a mile, the pillars stopped and the floor leveled out. Fred and Alma were on a platform about five hundred feet wide that looked out over a pit a mile wide. A wooden fence had been built near the edge. Off to one side of the platform was a beautiful naked woman chained to a treasure chest. "Hmmm, this seems kind of familiar," said Fred. "I wonder why?" Alma did not deign to comment.

Fred pulled out his Quester's Guild form and ticked more boxes. "Ooooh, super-duper- mega bonus points! Maybe I'll get a free Hespanian Talkie Toaster!" He walked up to the woman and tried to think of something suitably romantic to say. He opened his mouth and nothing came out for a while. "Ummm, hi," he said after a while. "What's your name?"

The woman answered:

  1. "Astra."
  2. "Exotica."
  3. "Irena."
  4. "None of your business, idiot."
  5. "Alma." She looked over to the Alma who stood nearby. "Who is that? Is this some kind of evil magic?"
  6. Before the woman can anwer, a boulder falls down and crushes Fred. I mean, what sane male author would resist a request from a gorgeous naked woman like that?

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5/22/2004 5:48:37 PM

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