Get Thee in My Behind, Satan

"JOSHUA WARREN BURBANK, YOU ARE SATAN!!" shrieked Mrs. Smithson, Josh's third grade teacher. The teacher, angered beyond all reason, violently rummaged through her desk drawer before finding what she was looking for: a fresh roll of duct tape.

Angrily pulling off a strip of tape, Mrs. Smithson rushes towards Josh. As his surprised and horrified classmates looked on, Josh jumped out of his seat and led Mrs. Smithson in a chase around the classroom, knocking several seats and a table down. "COME BACK HERE, SATAN! I'M GOING TO DEAL WITH YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL!"

A frantic minute passes, and Mrs. Smithson grabs Josh by the collar of his sweatshirt. Forcing him down into a chair, Mrs. Smithson attempts to tie him to the seat with the tape. Josh fights it the whole way, managing to get his teacher to back off by kicking and stomping both of Mrs. Smithson's ankles. After his teacher slumps to the floor injured, Josh runs over to grab his coat from the cloakroom before escaping the room. Forget about anything else, Josh thought, I need to get home.

Mrs. Smithson gets back up, and despite her sore left ankle, manages to give chase before Josh speeds out of the double doors at the end of a corridor. "SATAN IS LOOSE!" she screams.

Josh and his family lived about three miles from the school, which meant that he usually had to take the bus back and forth on a normal day. But this day was not a normal one, and Josh couldn't have given a damn about the distance as scared as he was feeling at the moment. It could have been three thousand miles, and he still would have ran the whole way. Josh doesn't even stop to look both ways as he crosses streets and avenues. Miraculously, Josh doesn't even come close to being struck by a passing vehicle.

Perhaps there really was a higher power looking out for Josh that morning.

Twenty minutes later, Josh finally collapses on the front porch of the Burbank family home. The only ones home then were his mother Linda, and his baby sister Ashley. Josh knew that his mother would be asking so many questions about why he was home from school so early, and especially why he had ran all the way home. There'd be too many embarrassing questions about whether or not someone at school was picking on Josh, or worse, if he was running away from a fight. Whatever, decided Josh. Once he caught his breath, the first thing he would do would be to march to the phone, dial 911, and report Mrs. Smithson for calling him Satan and trying to duct tape him to a chair. Besides, who knew what that awful teacher might have been trying to do to his classmates who didn't try to leave?

After entering the house, Josh ignored his mother and sister and ran straight to the phone...

But, wait! This is 1986, when teachers were not being placed on "administrative leave" for startling their students with loud noises, or being fired because some thin-skinned whiner complained to the school board because he or she was allegedly "insulted" by a teacher who questioned their poor work ethic and attitude.

So, while Josh did contact the authorities to report Mrs. Smithson and her attack on him in class earlier that day, he was the one to get into trouble. The school decided that while Mrs. Smithson's actions were questionable and completely unprofessional, it was still infinitely worse for a third grade student to run around a classroom, knocking over furniture, and then, leaving the school building without permission to avoid any disciplinary action. Also, Josh was reprimanded for "making prank phone calls to 911".

In the end, Josh was given three weeks' of detention, along with a mountain of extra homework to do. The school board also recommended that Josh's parents keep him from watching "so much television". Supposedly, there were two different sitcom episodes that had aired in the past couple of weeks with storylines about a child walking out of class without permission, or calling 911 for no reason that all of the grown-ups were blaming for Josh's behavior that morning. Also, Mrs. Smithson kept her job, and there wasn't any further mention of that day's incident.

Even into his thirties, Josh Burbank regarded that one day in third grade as the worst one of his life. Why didn't anyone listen to him?

1. Because he's Josh, that's why!
2. Oh, because Josh just really might be the devil?
3. Josh decides, nearly thirty years later, to file a lawsuit.
4. Same as #3, but there are several problems: One, his old grade school closed a long time ago. Two, none of the school board members at the time are still working. Three, Mrs. Smithson killed herself in 1998!

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