Fred & the Deli-Counter Vikings

"Hey Jan!" one of them shouts, as Fred spreads some margarine onto the slice of bread placed on the centre of his breastplate, "your mother stinks of herring!"

"Don't try to get back into my good books Lars!" the other one replies as Fred smears mayo onto the bread on his chest "I'm already too pissed with you!"

So the arguments progress, and by a neat symmetry, every time Fred adds another layer to the sarnie, another slurred insult springs forth from either Jan or Lars:

"Your sister has wooden teeth and sleeps with Saxons!" (Edam cheese)

"Yeah, well your sister has wooden ears and sleeps with Francs!" (rocket leaves)

"You're as ugly as a moose's butt!" (pastrami)

"You're as ugly as a moose's butt that's been in a chariot crash!" (chorizo sausage)

"I've slept with your wife - it was so awful I was sick!" (English mustard)

"That's nothing - I slept with your wife once and it was so terrible I ended up in a coma for three years!" (jalapenos)

Fred is now finding it increasingly difficult to build his sandwich as the vikings are growing more agitated with each insult and are waving their arms about and trying to lift their heads.

Still, thinks Fred, only one ingredient left to add. He removes a specially-sealed package from the inside pocket of his jerkin and opens it to reveal - a dead rat stuffed with maggots and pickled in absinthe.

"Hey Jan," Lars says quietly, "do you smell something tasty?"

1. Fred swiftly completes the sandwich and runs off
2. the vikings regain their senses and demand the sandwich from Fred
3. Fred's sandwich achieves sentience - but is it a force for good or evil?
4. as 1 but when Fred eats the sandwich it doesn't agree with him

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