A Hellishly Convoluted Situation

They could see a huge volcano not far from them. At a tree near the slopes of the volcano, a small group of people was standing. The Freds and Astra saw two more Freds and Astras, another Velus, and a young redhaired man who looked oddly like Astra.

"Oh, my head," said redhaired man. "This is even worse than being turned into a woman! Actually, I kind of liked being a woman now that I think about it. Being an Aqualarian male is no piece of cake, and then there's... Oh. Ahem. I'm sorry, just the volcanic fumes."

"At least there's just two of us," said one of the other Astras. So naturally, it was at that exact moment that our heroes burst through the trees. The young man groaned and fell to the ground, sobbing.

Much to the aggravation of everyone, another round of introductions and explanations commenced. The group that had just emerged explained that they had been composed of two different groups which had both mysteriously arrived at this bizarre island. One Fred, after being tortured by evil minions of the Dragon, was mysteriously transported to a meeting of mysterious being known as "authors." Then, while seeking to kill the Dragon, he encountered a party full of people who claimed to know him, in which the Dragon had taken part. It was actually organized by a time-traveling hero known as the Doctor, along with his companions Betty, Melissa, and Ragan, for one of his other companions, a counterpart of Fred. (The dragon who had been at the party was actually an ally of that Fred, Chiana.) But the timescoop he used to pull Fred and his friends from his world to the party had malfunctioned as a result of the interference of some drunken Daleks*, creating a great deal of confusion. Fred, who had not learned this until Ragan had had to explain everything, was sent to deal with said Daleks, but had somehow exited a tunnel (which had disappeared the moment Fred had left it) and found himself, along with the Doctor's companions and the alternate Fred's sister, Fred(w)ina (or possibly Rowena), in this strange desert island.

The other Fred in this group was not sure how he'd ended up on this island either. He had a set of bizarre, contradictory memories, but did remember encountering an organization called SATAN (no relation, or so they claimed), who claimed he was a character in a bad story and promised to send him to a better one. In fact, he found himself here, along with Astra. Since she was struck by strange delusions as well, he believed that the whole SATAN thing had also been a delusion. They were then met by Fred's sister, Fredwina, who had been on the island for two years, but seemed to be from an alternate reality.

Then, there was the matter of the group that had been standing at the volcano. One Fred had found himself here after being sucked into an underground current. He had found another castaway as well, a disreputable (and now deceased) man named Robert Billingsley. They had then been joined by Princess Astra and her brother Prince Alex, who had been engaged on a quest to stop the evil wizard known as Zerm the Unspeakable. They had managed to leave the island, only to find themselves trapped on this island, where Alex turned back into a man and Robert was killed by this island's dreaded fluffy bunnies. The rest of them were saved only by the intervention of a strange man known as Richard Hatch. They'd then encountered their counterparts, and found out something of the truth after a bit of a mix-up.

Finally, the other Fred who had been part of this group had been transported here along with Astra and Velus by a mysterious curse caused by the killing of a Kobold. They had spent a year here, during which they had come to adjust to their island life. Velus had gained the ability to speak and walk on two legs, Astra had become pregnant by her Fred, and eventually Astra's half-sister Alura had arrived under mysterious circumstances. Then, the volcano had erupted, apparently killing Velus, and then Alura had insulted him and Astra had fought her as a result. So she'd run off, when suddenly the new group had arrived. Astra, after all the events that had happened to her of late, had not reacted well, but Fred had managed to restore sanity.

"So wait," said Alex after everyone was done. "I don't remember the volcano erupting!"

"I don't even remember seeing a volcano so close by," said the Astra who had originally been in the island. "Not to mention those huge snow-capped mountains in the distance."

"How could I have been on this island for two years without seeing you?" asked Frewdina. "It's a pretty smallish island."

"No it's not, it's extremely large," said the Fred who had been is Alex.

"Do any of you have any idea where we are?" asked the Fred who had emerged from the caves. "Because--"

"Actually," said another new arrival (whose voice sounded like Fred's but a bit higher-pitched), "you're in Hell. Or rather the Office of Evil."

They turned around to see another Fred and another Astra, except they were elves. "I am Artizza and this is Fertal!" said the elven Astra. "I'm so happy to see you! How did you get here?"

So everyone explained again. "You know, this being Hell kind of makes sense," said a Fred. "I mean, almost everyone here was either sent here by magic or arrived here after being apparently killed. I was dragged here after falling into an underground current, he ended up here after being sent here by dragon magic--or maybe it was the other one, who knows--and the other one was sent here by SATAN, who I guess was working for Satan after all, and then the other one arrived here after being tortured by the Dragon. And my Astra--"

"I'm not your Astra," said the Astra who had presumably come from his group. "Or do you intend to knock me up the way this Fred did his world's Astra?"

"No, wait!" said the Fred. "I mean, I didn't mean to put it like that! Of course you..."

The pregnant Astra was even more enraged. "Do you think of me as weak, you pompous idiot? I love and respect my world's Fred, even though he doesn't return these feelings. Or at least I did, until he started hitting on my half-sister!"

"No, no, Astra, I didn't! You know I love you! It was you who drove me away once you found out you were pregnant! Besides, Alura and I were only together for about fifteen minutes!"

"Why does this alternate me love Astra? She seems like such an idiot," reflected another Fred.

"What did you say? Do you think I'm an idiot too?" said the other Astra.

Fred balked. "Don't lash out at me! I'm not even your Fred!"

Artizza was crying. "Why can't you just love each other? Why can't there be more love in the world, even though this is Hell? Why--"

"AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!" said the remaining Fred. "We can't go on like this! There has to be some way to tell us all apart!"

"You know, if only I hadn't lost that Orb of Nominus I'd taken from the evil dragon-wizard circle whose head I'd killed..." said the Fred who'd gotten his world's Astra pregnant.

"Actually, I think that that coconut Astra almost tripped over is an Orb of Nominus," said Alex.

Melissa looked down at it. "I think you're right," she said. "I recognize it from the mystical training Synizn gave me. It must have fallen out of your backpack or something. Fertal and Artizza already have names, so I guess we can..."

Suddenly, another Fred rushed out of a previously unnoticed tunnel in the volcano. He took one look at the analogs, screamed a bloodcurdling scream, and ran off into the jungle, swinging his sword around like a madman.

"Wait," said Velus (the one who could talk, naturally) once they had gone, "what's the Office of Evil."

"How did you get down here?" said Astra, pleasantly surprised.

"Heck if I know," responded Velus. "So what's the answer, huh?"

"Well," said Ragan, "the Office of Evil is headed by lower-level evil beings who represent the interests of the true demons in the mortal realm. They're still pretty powerful, though. This is kind of a politically correct version of Hell."

"Hey, look what I found!" said Fertal. "I don't like this..." Facing in the direction he had come from was a huge, faded wooden sign, covered with eldritch sigils (but then again, what sigils aren't eldritch?) and pictures of horrific, obscene monstrosities. It was clearly a relic of the days when the Office of Evil was evil and proud of it. It said:

Abandon hope, all ye who enter here, for ye have entered Convoluted Plot Hell and shall surely lose your minds. Have a nice day. This was a sobering message indeed.

"So do you think we could get on with the bloody ritual? It would certainly help. I feel like I've half-lost my mind already," said Alex.

1. And they do so.
2. They are suddenly interrupted by yet another new arrival.
3. Meanwhile, the insane Fred encounters Alura...
4. Meanwhile, Richard Hatch ventures deeply into the volcano...
5. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Sigin start to wonder what's gone wrong with the party...
6. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Office of Evil, demons plot against the heroes...
7. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Office of Evil, demons work out their relationship issues...
8. Meanwhile, somehwere in some other parallel universe, someone does something...
9. Everyone gets a surprise.

Add New Option

Go Back

View Forward Story Tree
View Back Story Tree

Display All 5 Links to this Episode