Code Red

Steven had a great idea for an episode extension. He cracked his knuckles and begun typing, "So Raskolnikov walked into his apartment. He was shuddering with guilt over the murder of the old moneylender, when suddenly... he turned into a woman! He..."

Suddenly all the alarms went off. "Warning! Warning! Illicit drug use detected in NeverEndingQuest, Episode 24753! Threat level code red! Threat level code red!"

Jack raced over. "Steve! It's a Code Red! What's that mean?"

"It means some freak has given himself god-like powers in an episode, and thinks they will protect him no matter what kind of degradation and filth he wishes to write into said episode." Steven said.

The alarm kept sounding "The culprit has been identified as Marshall Mathers. Exterminate with extreme prejudice. I repeat - this is not a capture. Code Red level threat detected as extenuating circumstances. Proceed with caution. Do not engage outside of mission parameters."

"Well, we've got our work cut out for us. We'll need Code Red level gear." said Steven, and walked over to the equipment locker. He pulled out two phaser rifles. "These can blow a planet to bits in one shot, so be careful."

"Cool!" Jack grinned. "Code Red level gear is awesome!"

"Next, we'll need these." Steven said, taking two strange looking belts from the locker. "Personal forcefield barriers, strong enough to protect you from a head-on Death Star blast."

"Allright!"

"Finally, these plasma net projectors might come in handy. Remember Jack, it's not about power. It's about protecting the universe of extendable stories! A dirty job, but someone's gotta do it."

"Right!" said Jack. "I'm ready."

Now armed, the two Story Cops walked into a dimensional portal, and immediately found themselves in the Allarian wilderness. There was Slim Shady, tripping on LSD and singing "At this rate, I'll be the only person in the nursing home flirtin'; got the condom on and and I'm jerkin'; but this whole bag of Viagra isn't workin'" in an attempt to attract cheap hookers.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Jack said grimly.

"Stay cool, Jack." Steven said. "You'll see a lot worse than this once you've been on the force as long as I have."

Eminem spotted them. "It's the pigs!" He went for his gun, but Steven launched a plasma net, and the rap star was promptly bagged. He spouted curses and rap lyrics as he struggled in the net. "Not again!"

"Now this is the hard part." Steven said. "You've never shot a rapper before, have you son?"

"N-no sir." Jack said. Suddenly he wasn't so sure he could do it.

"It gets easier after the first time. Set your rifle to 'quick but painful death'."

Suddenly they heard a voice behind them. "Are yoo th' Polis?"

They spun around and there was Happyman, brain tenuously held together with duct tape. "I damaged my liver with a shot-gun-gunny! Can you help by beating my lunch?"

Steven went for his gun, but with the swiftness of a rabid gazelle Happyman grabbed the cop and tossed him in his mouth.

"Steve!" Jack cried. "You son of a bitch!"

He raised his rifle and fired, but since a stick figure makes a lousy target, he missed, instead obliterating a nearby mountain. Happyman grabbed the rifle from his hands and ate it too. Jack took a step back, horrified. Happyman grinned and started belching planet destroying phaser blasts at the young cop. A second later Jack was on the ground. He was in a daze. The forcefield belt had saved his life, but now it had short- circuited and was useless. Happyman reached behind Jack's ear and pulled off his omni-universal tracking device, which was also Jack's only way to get back home. "Yhis'la come ina handy!" Then the Happy One also consumed a protesting Eminem, and sprinted away, disappearing into the sunset.

1. As the cold sets in, Jack tries to think of what to do next.
2. Having eaten Eminem, Happyman's ensuing indigestion destroys the planet.

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