Dung Beetle
The Never Ending Quest - Episode 23512
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Fifteen months of agonizing pain, of blood-curdling screams, of the
immense desire to scratch the itch behind his ear but knowing neither of
his dislocated arms can reach the spot, but worst of all... fifteen months
of dwelling over how he almost planted his lips on a creature that had the
breasts of a woman and the genitals of a... of a... Fred can't bear to
think of it anymore and begins to sob!
"There, there, honeybunch," said the soothing voice from above. Upon looking up Fred sees a grotesque beetle with tap shoes. "I'll get you out, don't you worry none, just be patient." The beetle disappeared and Fred was left wondering who or what that was, why it cared about him, and how it intended to get him out. Then Fred heard a sound, a noise, a scraping as of something heavy upon the soft gelatin of the soil of hell. "I'm back!" said the beetle. And it had brought a winch! What next transpired was an odd interplay of rope, hook, and tendon (Fred's tendons to be precise). In order for the beetle to get ahold of Fred so as to pull him out of the spiked pit, it had to "go fishing" as it were. After multiple attempts at getting just the right spot, and multiple misses, mistakes and accidental (?) hookings of Fred's mouth, lip, throat, and groin, the beetle got him where it needed him, and after what seemed like very little effort (for the beetle) and a lot of pain (for Fred), the deceased knight found himself out of the pit, off the stakes, and sitting in a fetal position on the gelatinous soil of hell. "Well?" said the beetle. "Well what?" asked Fred. "Aren't ya gonna thank me?" Before Fred could utter one syllable of whatever he was about to say a soaring demon pteradactyl swooped down from the infernal skies and scooped Fred into its open jaws! It then flew, soared, lifted and swooped somemore, all the while Fred not knowing what the hell was going on! Until he felt the jaws of the great beast open wider and tilt him out; with a great scream of Geronimo! Fred fell from the dastardly heavens and straight into the open mouth of the fattest, squattest, and ugliest baby Fred had ever seen (which in this case was also a lower demon). Fred, fully conscious, felt himself chewed by the massive gums (even babies in hell don't have teeth!), his body becoming a mush of sorts, a mashed meal of pierced and shredded meat! He felt himself being swallowed, coarsing through the esophagus, down into the acid bowels of the stomach and then the large intestine. Fred was in utter shock, conscious yet unbelieving, and the pain was worse than anything he had ever imagined. His body was literally dissolved and secreted, smooshed and splished, from the upper intestine to the lower, down into the colon and worst of all, out through the largest yet tightest buttocks Fred had the misfortune to ever become acquainted with! Fred found himself expelled like nothing more than a piece of ****!!! And he lay there, on the gelatinous ground of gehenna, whimpering, sobbing, crying. Things could not get worse. And then the beetle came around. Now, if you didn't know this, there are varieties of beetles that inject their larvae into dung (a fancy word for feces, crap, and ****). The beetle looked awful fat - and wheeling its head about this way and that as if looking for something. And then it spied Fred - still encased as if he were nothing more than a piece of ****. "Alright!" said the beetle. "NO!!!" screamed Fred.
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2/9/2003 4:18:48 PM
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