Da Tezt

The kobolds chattered in excitement, and led Fred and Lava Man deeper into the Principalities. The stench of kobold vomit, rancour and adrenalin wafted through the air.

"Are you daft, boy?" boomed Lava Man. "We don't have time to be dancing with kobolds - much less become their rulers! You're not really considering taking up such a filthy, annoying, thankless task?"

"Of course not." Fred whispered. "It's just a ploy to get us through these caves without resorting to further violence. After I dazzle their King with some flashy dance moves - taught to me by the austere, yet well- dressed monks of Chingiz-Kai - I plan to pass out first. Then we shall be in their King's good graces - and he will surely lend his best scouts to guide us to the dominion of the Undead Gnome King."

"A recipe for disaster if I ever heard one!" said Lava Man. "But do as you wish. Whatever catastrophe results, I'll be sure to find it highly amusing."

In fact, there was another reason Fred so readily agreed to the Kobald's challenge - and one he would not readily admit to in front of Lava Man. Suffice it to say, it was the same reason Fred hadn't been invited to any high society cocktail parties for years now. But more on that later.

Before long, they had arrived at the castle of the Kobold King. It was a duly impressive creation, hewn entirely of solid cavestone in the center of a gigantic cavern. Squalid mushroom farms of kobold peasants were haphazardly strewn about the area. Some of these peasants gathered to fling mud and feces at the scouting party, which cheered and thrust their spears into the air. Kobolds seemed to emerge from under every rock and caveshrub to join in the festivities. Soon the scouting party numbered into the hundreds, which herded Fred and Lava Man into the castle and up several flights of stairs into the foul-smelling private chamber of the Kobold King. The King was sleeping peacefully in his bed, until a hail of mud and feces roused him from his slumber. "My loyal zubjects!" he exclaimed. "What da hell iz going on?!"

"Da Tezt!" the kobolds shrieked. "Da tezt!"

"Ah, I zee." said the King. "Bring me my barrelz of royal mushroom beer!"

Beer was brought, much to Fred's exhilaration. Within minutes every last kobold was terrifyingly drunk, and spontaneous brawling and dancing erupted throughout the chamber. None, however, were drunker than Fred, who upended an entire barrel onto his head and started doing a delightful imitation of the Allarian King. "Blah blah blah slay the Dragon!" he slurred. "Blah blah blah kidnapped our people! Blah Blah Blah burned our fields!" A pack of young kobolds listened intently and howled in hysterical laughter.

Suddenly the Kobold King approached. "It iz time for da Tezt!"

"Ohhh yeeah." Fred slurred, stumbling to his feet. "King, baby, I'll dance wid' ya - jes gimme a second..."

"Oh, no no!" the King said. "You dance wid' me lazt! Firzt, you muzt dance wid' Prinzezz Zhakala - da mozt beuteefull maiden in da Kingdom! And, lucky youze, whether you pazz or fail da Tezt, you will have da privilege of taking her hand in marriage!"

A maiden stepped forward. She was hairy even for a Kobold, and reeked of onions and stale cavebread "Oooh!" she growled. "Ah believe ah'll have da pleazure o' diz danze!"

"Whaa?" Fred gaped in disbelief. His head began to spin, and he thought he heard Lava Man laughing at him from somewhere.

1. Being a gentleman, Fred agrees to the dance.
2. Fred protests loudly and makes for the exit.
3. Fred passes out on the spot, and wakes up in his and Princess Zhakala's marriage bed.
4. Or perhaps another, more forward approach?

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