Mental Ramblings

The scene on the communications screen is horrifying. The Sevateem are being slaughtered: by an army of Tesh, by invisible phantoms (it crosses my mind to wonder how Xoanon is able to project them into the village, but it seems rather pointless to dwell on that), and, perhaps worst of all, by each other, as Xoanon takes possession of their minds. Even as I watch, I see one man take a crossbow bolt through the back and go tumbling into a pit of horda. I have to look away.

"I'm going to help them!" Leela says resolutely, and heads off in the direction of the antigravity transporter.

I experience a terrible moment of uncertainty and indecision. I know Leela, not just from this brief acquaintance, but from my TV screen, and I know that nothing is going to stop her from going to her people's aid at this moment, even if there's very little she can actually do. And if I were a real TV-type hero, I'd be charging off to help her, wouldn't I? But, even if I am supposed to be a hero-type these days, I'm not a fighter. I've never been able to deal very well with violence, and I'm afraid that hasn't suddenly changed very much, just because I now have magic at my command. And, dear god, I honestly don't know if I could deal with the things I'm seeing on this screen...

"Someone has to go with her," says my "sister," echoing my own thoughts in that strange way that always seems like it should be disturbing, but somehow isn't. She sounds kind of scared and uncertain, too. Of course.

I look around at the others... Inquirer, too, seems conflicted, at least a little. Understandable, of course. Inquirer -- unlike me -- is hardly one to shy away from a fight, but I know there's no way she's going to leave the Doctor right now, and I don't blame her. I'm worried about him, too. Despite Sigin's reassurances about it being entirely possible to heal damaged minds, if it comes to that, I can't help but find the thought of him exposing himself to the poor machine's insanity extremely distressing. And I have the distinct suspicion that the whole exercise is going to be much more difficult for him that it was/would have been for the fourth Doctor. Of course, Inquirer is probably concerned for him in a... slightly different way than I am. I'm still not entirely sure what to make of that relationship, but, like my own (considerably different) relationship with my "twin," it's one of those things that should seem utterly strange but somehow... doesn't.

I realize that my mind is rambling, probably as some sort of defense mechanism to keep my thoughts off those awful images, or possibly off my own apparent cowardice. I yank my attention back to the here and now just as B'Elanna is saying "I'll go." That makes me feel a little better. The two of them can handle a battle, surely, and will doubtless be far more useful than I would.

Gilmuriel and E'eysha look for a moment as if they're thinking of following her, too, but the Doctor steps forward and restrains them with a hand on each of their arms. Gently, he points out that this is an obvious tactic by Xoanon to distract us from the task at hand, and that, if we succeed here, the Sevateem will be safe, and if we don't, none of it will matter.

He's right, of course. Except for that "we" part, really. It's all pretty much down to him, and we all know it. But he definitely ought to have all the backup he can get.

1. "Come on," he says at last. "I believe I have everything I need. Let's put an end to this."

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