The Return of the Story Cops

BANG! BANG! BANG! Chuck and Sara jumped up as the front door rattled. It sounded like someone was starting to ram the door open. Sara's hands trembled as she wrapped a blanket around herself. Chuck Norris cautiously but firmly walked out the bedroom to the door, disdaining cover.

Chuck Norris boomed out, "Who is it?

A man's voice boomed back, "Story Cop! Open up."

"Hey, Walt! Geez. Hold on. You almost gave a young lady back here a heart attack. I assume that you are here because the sweet lovin' alarm went off."

"Yep. You know we got to check it out. Can't make things too explicit, especially on a public web site."

"Gotcha. Let me look for something appropriate. Here. A pair of black bathing trunks with a cobra head patch on each leg. Do you want some dramatic music?"

"Like in the movies? Yeah, of course!"

In the background, a synthesizer played a quiet, bone chilling melody in the key of D minor as Chuck Norris stealthily approached the door. He slowly turned the handle - and then flung the door open! With lightning reflexes, he knocked a baton out of Walt's hands! For a fraction of a second, Chuck heard a low whoosh behind him, and he knew he has gotten into more than he bargained for. Then he felt a sting on his rear end, as if a snake had bitten him.

"Ahhhh!" he yelled. He wheeled around, but his legs wobbled, and he fell to his knees. His attacker was about to shock him again with a taser, but Walt said, "That's enough, Jessie. We have worked in the fight scene, and gave Chuck Norris a swat in the butt for those that are into that sort of thing."

The second cop helped Chuck Norris up and onto a sofa, and sat next to him. Her blonde hair was cut short, and she had a heavy, but not masculine build. "Are you OK, Mr. Norris?"

"Yes, Officer. Geez, no offense, Miss, but you are built like a linebacker. I mean you don't look like a man, but..."

"My father played left guard in college before he tore up his knee. Can I get your autograph for my husband? He is a big fan."

"Sure, Officer."

While Chuck Norris was signing the autograph, Walt sat on the other side of Chuck Norris, and said, "I don't want to take up any more of your time than necessary, Mister Norris. You are not in any real trouble, but someone wrote a suggestive alternative, and we have to be around to watch. We even had the moderator put up a bracketed warning."

Chuck Norris let out a low whistle. "That serious, huh?"

"Let's just say that we need to be vigilant. If we are not constantly on the lookout, we could start looking like Reddit or Facebook."

Chuck Norris grimaced. Then he said, "Don't want that to happen. How can I help?"

"You are about to have a cuddling session with Sara."

"Oh, yeah."

"That's fine. But we have to practice safe writing."

"OK. So no fun, then?"

Walt said, "Oh, no. You can have lots of fun. But you have to let the reader's imagination do the work for you."

"OK. So what do you want us to do?"

"Jessie, Mister Norris is going to be cooperative. Go fetch the writer's kit, will you?"

Jessie left. Chuck called out to the bedroom, "Sara, it's OK. Just the story cops."

Sara called out, "Oh. I thought that it was just going to be you and me tonight."

"It will be. Come on out, meet Walt."

Sara came out of the room, in jeans, a T-shirt, and with bare feet. Walt extended his hand. Sara shook it limply.

Jessie came in carrying a metal case.

Walt said, "OK, Jessie, get me an ellipsis."

Sara said, "A what?"

Walt said, "An ellipsis. It is a bit old fashioned, but it is a way to imply the good parts, without explicitly writing them down."

Sara said, "I don't understand."

Chuck Norris said, "I do. Let me demonstrate."

Chuck Norris bent down and swooped Sara off her feet. Cradling her in his arms, he carried her across the room. Sara's breathing became quicker and shallower, as she looked into Chuck's eyes.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sara gasped as she flopped down on her pillow. "I did not realize that I could have an experience like the one that I just had over the last half hour. It was heavenly."

Chuck Norris smiled as he turned off the television set. "Yes, I did not realize that Handel did anything other than 'Water Music' and 'The Messiah.' I am surprised that Dixit Dominus does not get more play."

There was a tap on the door, gentler this time. Walt and Jessie walked in.

Sara sighed, "What is it, officers?"

Walt said, "Oh, no trouble from a legal perspective. It is just that I minored in English, and while misdirecting the topic into a non-sequitur is perfectly fine, and happens all the time around here, you might be disappointing the readers."

Sara whined, "But you said that we are supposed to let the readers use their imaginations."

Walt said, "But you are not giving them anything. Maybe a suggestive detail that kids will miss, but adults would catch and smile at."

Jesse added, "And as a music minor, you forgot the Sarabande for the harpsichord, which is fairly well-known, too."

Chuck and Sara looked confused.

Jesse hummed, "Dah - dah. De - dah - dah. De - Dah -dah. Hm -hmm -hmm."

Sara and Chuck shook their heads.

Jesse said, "You would know it if you heard it. They use it in every movie made from a Jane Austen novel."

There was an awkward silence, and then Jesse said, "Anyway, may I have my handcuffs back?"

Chuck Norris said, "Oh, sure, we are finished with them," as Walt smiled and briefly flashed a 'thumbs up' sign to Jesse.

1. We follow Chuck Norris and Sara, as they order pizza and watch a football game on television.
2. We follow Walt and Jessie in the NEQ police cruiser.

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